Illustration by Thomas McDonough
A Letter
John,
It is now November 20. I believe there are less flags on the cars
now. It is difficult for a car to fly a flag. Cars go very fast, and
flags are not designed to speed. They were designed to fly lazily
from a pole. The constant flap of cars going 55 mph tears away the
flags. At least that’s my guess.
One day I was driving with my friend Paul. He had a small flag—so
small I wondered if it was sarcastic—flying from his antenna
in the back. He stopped to examine his flag—it was half off.
We made it to New Paltz with our flag still flying.
This could be good for the economy. Persistent patriots will keep
buying flags.
Have you observed that the blue in flags is not always the same shade?
Some are very light, some quite deep. (Perhaps because all the flags
are made in China where they do not know the proper color.)
For the first time in my life I saw a Halloween display combined with
a number of American flags. This was on the porch of a house on Brack
Street, around the corner from me. There was one big flag, smaller
flag-style bunting, surrounded by little ghosts—the kind you
make from a small white fabric wrapped around a ball. Our flag surrounded
by ghosts! And on the sides, wildly grinning jack-o’-lanterns,
of bright orange plastic.
I never noticed this before, but in the autumn, when the trees outside
our windows turn yellow, there is more light in the room. The light
reflects off the leaves like a mirror, and into our house.
Shalom,
Sparrow
Heard in a Dream
“We are apathy animals.”
Pre-Culture
America has a pre-culture, at this point. Within a century or two,
the situation comedies, Britney Spears songs, Ben and Jerry’s
Ice Cream names, shopping mall architecture and advertising logos
will coalesce into a true culture, equivalent to that of Greece or
of the Kwakiutl.
S_dden
sadden sedden
sodden sidden
sudden
The Lone Ranger
I just realized today that “The Lone Ranger and Tonto” is
an oxymoron. The Lone Ranger is, by definition, lone. That is, he
is unaccompanied, solo, bereft of a retinue. Once he has a sidekick
(i.e., Tonto) he is no longer lone.
Has anyone else ever noticed this? Am I the first person in the United
States to recognize the grave implications of the phrase “The
Lone Ranger and Tonto”? Because if The Lone Ranger is lone, yet
riding constantly with Tonto, then Tonto is not identified as a man.
Tonto is relegated to the same category as Silver (The Lone Ranger’s
horse).
We do not find it inconsistent that The Lone Ranger rides a horse;
this does not defy our definition of “lone”. Neither, apparently,
is it paradoxical that this “lone” figure appears with another
person. Why? Because the person has no European lineage. The “Lone”
Ranger may ride with any number of horses and native tribal men and
fulfill the characteristics of loneness.
How awful we American television-watchers are!
In the future, I suggest politically aware people refer to this masked
character as The Accompanied Ranger. This at least approaches a rational
view.
Numerous Response
Dedicated Quarter to Three (this column) followers will remember the
following inquiry of mine:
“An Honest Question. Recently I have found myself in many anti-circumcision
conversations, for some reason. (Because it’s summer?) Today,
soaking in the bathtub, I wondered: Is there de-circumcision? Can
surgeons reattach a foreskin?”
Clearly I have struck a chord with the modern circumcision-activists.
Here are the replies I’ve received:
Hello,
Thought you’d like to know that an important new book has just
been published dealing heavily with the restoration (de-circumcision)
topic, entitled Sex As Nature Intended It. Details at www.SexAsNatureIntendedIt.com.
–Kriste O’Hare
Subject: Reattaching Foreskins
Surgeons may indeed reattach a foreskin but most men prefer non-surgical
restoration. See: www.cirp.org/library/restoration.
–George Hill
Subject: Re: De-Circumcising
Hello,
You don’t know me, but your home page came up on a list I am
on that is against circumcision. You were wondering if surgeons can
reattach the foreskin.
To be precise on the issue, no, the foreskin that was removed is long
gone unless they would have given it to you in a jar. Having said
that, there are surgical procedures that can be done to give you a
foreskin, I know, I did it.
It is a long and hard process to find such a surgeon, but I did manage
to find a few after many trips by plane in the US. There is a book,
I think it is out of print now called The Joy of Uncircimcising by
Jim Bigelow PhD.
This book gives some good ideas on what procedures are out there but
I didn’t use these, I found a doctor that had his own ideas.
Take Care, Don
Paleolithic Hairnet Contest
Did any of you happen to notice the letter in Chronogram last month
by Nina Silver attacking Quarter to Three (this column)? I thought
her best line was: “[These pages] remind me of the two-year-old
who does her first finger painting and you, the proud parent, post
it up all over the neighborhood because you think it’s great.”
How about a hate mail contest? The best letter attacking this column
wins a small item of insurmountable value (perhaps a signed photograph
of me)? Send entries to: Paleolithic Hairnet Contest c/o Chronogram,
PO Box 459, New Paltz, NY 12561, or e-mail info@chronogram.com.
