Backbone > Quarter to Three
The Wise Man and the Troll
by Sparrow; Illustration by Thomas McDonough

“Beethoven”
Few people realize that “Beethoven” means “home of beets” (“hoven” is related to the English word “haven”). Ludwig’s ancestors were beet farmers. Indeed, although Beethoven was an indifferent cook, he was known for his borsht—which may have been a family recipe. “Ludwig’s potatoes are gritty and half-raw, but his borsht is always subtle,” Angela Nichtler, his mistress, wrote in 1821.

Poem No. 42
aub

Dadaji,
Does everyone’s bed travel? My wife and I sleep on a foam pad on the floor. Usually, our bed migrates very slowly south. For the last two weeks, however, our bed has begun to move north, much quicker—perhaps an inch a day. Are we somehow gyrating towards the north in our sleep?

Some people are born with a nose job—their nose unnaturally small, as if reduced by a prenatal surgeon.

Yiddish curse: “May your grandmother forget your name.”

Jean-Baptiste Louis Franquelin became Royal Hydrographer in Canada in 1686. (From The Living Museum, Spring 2002)

Just now I went for my 20-minute walking exercise, in Phoenicia Park—a flat stretch of land one block from here. It is dusk, and I could see Scanlon Mountain to the south, a stolid blue, rising into the gray-lit sky. I walked along the forest border, among the cricket sounds. In the distance I could hear three bass notes repeating over and over:

bim ban bum
bim ban bum
bim ban bum.

Some teenagers were listening to a rap song. These three pretty notes matched the mountain view, and the onset of night.

Love, Sparrow

Mirror Will
“This is a rare case of a Mirror Will,”the lawyer said.
“A Will written on a mirror—this was in beeswax—
is legally valid.”

Contest Notice
The Lamont Collier Prize for Dreadful Poetry will present $150,000 to the worst poem received by March 31, 2003. No length requirement. Multiple submissions accepted. Entrance fee: $300. Send poems to: Sparrow, Post Office Box 63, Phoenicia, NY 12464.

The Lamont Collier Story
Lamont Collier was a successful shirt manufacturer, and poet. In 1985, he endowed the Lamont Collier Prize for Dreadful Poetry. “Everyone else has rewarded the great poets,” he explained. “I am the first person to reward the bad poets. After all, bad poetry is what makes the world go round. Spurned lovers, people who lost their job, revolutionaries, the homeless—everyone at the bottom of life writes poetry. And most of what they write is bad. Bad poetry helps them survive. And no one—except me—has ever recognized the courage and beauty of bad poets.”

Each year, the Lamont Collier Foundation has awarded $150,000 to the worst poem they can find. The poets have come from every walk of life. A dentist, a postal worker, a used car salesman, and a prostitute have won. The only embarrassment occurred when the same person, Dale Frenden, won the Yale Younger Poets Award and the Lamont Collier Prize in 1991.

Near-Homonymous Phrase
Here is a near-homonymous phrase:
Chess tournaments
chest ornaments

And here is the confusion it could create:
“Do you have chess tournaments here in Akron?”

“Sure, we have gold chains with pendants of the Virgin Mary, and buttons that say: JUST VISITING THIS PLANET.
And others, too.”

Strange Fact
The two lead singers of Heart (the rock group)
both became physicians.

Minimal Cantillation Haiku
The Japanese haiku is traditionally represented in English by three lines, the first five syllables, the second seven syllables, and the third five syllables in length. Haiku composed in English, however, often have a forced and awkward feel. One solution to this dilemma is the new Minimal Cantillation Haiku, in which one word is pronounced for five or seven syllables. (“Cantillation” is another word for chanting.) Thus
I
love
rocks
can be a bona fide haiku, with its pronunciation something like:
I-I-I-I-I
luh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhve
rah-ah-ah-ah-ahcks.

Even one word may be a haiku, using Minimal Cantillation:
mor-or-or-or-or
or-or-or-or-or-or-or
or-or-or-orning.

(Of course that is the word “morning”.)

The three-syllable word lends itself to
Minimal Cantillation Haiku well:
but-ut-ut-ut-ut
ter-er-er-er-er-er-er
fly-y-y-y-y.

Note: Minimal Cantillation Haiku, while interesting on the page, is highly effective when read aloud.

Boil A Lasso
Cowboys will boil a new lasso for 5 to 10 minutes.
This makes the rope more supple.

The Wise Man and the Troll
A wise man was walking in the forest when he met a troll.
“I want to eat you,” said the troll.
“Go ahead and eat me,” said the wise man.
The troll ate the wise man.
Afterward the troll was remorseful. He went to a monastery, to study the path of wisdom. Soon he became wise.