Speak Out! 
Flowers Fall
Life is so Embarrassing
I just looked at my last post and realized that I totally misworded some of the precepts. And my mistakes were followed by some lofty line about how the precepts are my passion, hope and vow. Oh geez. If I had more energy, I am sure I would be totally embarrassed. Instead I am just a little bit embarrassed, as usual, because life in general is one big embarrass-fest. I try to open my heart to it--let my ridiculousness wash over me.
So Mother's Day is this weekend. On the way to my final today (amen) I am going to send my mom a card and soap -- overnight. Last night I told Thayer I hoped he wasn't worrying about making me some cute card. He looked a little blank. Um. Then he got it. Right. All I want, I said, is to take a long walk with you and Azzie and do a little shopping in peace. But I think it's going to rain all weekend. Oh well. Can I just spend 30 minutes in a store by myself? Please????
Back to the emabarrassment theme (perhaps I should be embarrassed about my pedestrian shamelessness regarding my desire for something new and cute to wear?): I am really in the throes of this whole working mom thing. I work at a magazine and there are always deadlines, and sometimes "emergencies," people huddlied around computer screens all night long, take-out food wrappers in balls on the floor. Shitloads of work to do. Crisis. Drama. Fun! And at 3:45 (PM!) I gingerly start checking off lists, asking what else needs to happen right now in person, meaning, it's now or never because I'm out of here. At first I got some neck-craning away from the precious screen, a look over glasses: "And where are you going [young lady]?" "I have to relieve the babysitter. (sorry Grace, of course I don't think of you that way) It's time for her to go home." "We'll pay her for you to stay! Come on!"
Uh. No.
It's not that I can't afford more childcare. It's that I can't afford to lose any more time with that growing and learning and hugging and eating and baby stroller pushing and talking and bird listening little bike riding KID! It's a risk, I know. And it's kind of scary to put it out there like that, but luckily I work with people who may not understand all the details of my life, but they trust me enough to trust that I'm doing the best I can.
The best antidote to embarrassment is full disclosure. So, no, I am not all things to all people. Yes, I am making decisions that preclude some things. I will disappoint someone. I will fall short of some standard or other. People will scoff behind my back and say weird things that would hurt if I heard them. In other words, I am a person in the world. And so is everyone else. (repeat)
So, happy Mother's Day to me, and to all you humans--the ones who help me and support my awkward life, and to the ones who dish out a steady diet of confusion--and to all your human moms. The diamond net of interdependence has never been so clear.