The chaos factor you're experiencing may be the result of clinging to an idea about yourself—some point of identity, which feels like insisting on "I am." This has its effect whether one claims to be a doctor, married, cool, pure, gay, straight, trans, smart, stupid, old, young, or any other descriptor. One problem with "I am" is that it changes, and right now it's changing rapidly for you. This may be making you nervous enough to hold on tight—to anything. "I am" rarely describes the deeper and more meaningful level of existence; indeed, the insistence on identity can serve to obscure much else. Your existence is an adventure, a fact that is especially true now. Yes, you need something you can refer to for stability. A relationship will not serve that purpose, especially if that relationship cannot contain the discoveries you're making about yourself. So what does that leave? It leaves the quest that you're on. Define yourself by the adventure that's before you, and within you. Define yourself by the questions that you ask. Know yourself in your immediate experience, by perceiving what is shown to you—and then gradually recognizing the perceiver. Consider the notion, "I am the mind of the senses, the consciousness of creatures." Who is that mind? Who is that awareness? This is who you are.