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As God is My Witness 

as god is my witness
i’ve never taken stock
in what every
tom dick and harry’s
told me about your escapades
with the boys in the mailroom
as god is my witness
i’ve never sold
any photographs of you naked
in hopes of retiring
to a carefree existence
in the tropics
as god is my witness
i don’t believe those rumors
about your sexual exploits
with aardvarks, anteaters and alligators
as god is my witness
i stuck up for you
even when the devil showed up
with an ironclad
six hundred and twenty-seven page
case against you
as god is my witness
i wouldn’t trade you in
for that model
staring out at me
from that magazine cover
as god is my witness
i’ve refused every overture
from that miniskirted hostess at the strip club
with a big gulp of saltpeter
as god is my witness
i’m squeaky clean as a choir boy
i sing psalms in the shower
i’m cool as an ice cube in the freezer
as god is my witness
i’m trustworthy
as a sand storm
in the desert
i’m as easy
to get along with
as a furry pair of slippers
i’m as honest
as the most up to date edition
of the king james bible

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