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Editor's Note: February 2012 

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The following is a transcript from the pilot of a late-night TV talk show based on Chronogram. While some have suggested that the late-night TV landscape is already glutted with shows, we believe there's room for a thoughtful, good-intentioned, consensus-built program and the naysayers won't stop us from throwing our collective hat (a sombrero, say, or one of those Peruvian wool jobs with the dangly payos-type strings; something an indigenous person would wear) into the ring. We are currently seeking distribution. Drop us a line if you have an uncle who can get us a lunch with a producer.

[The show opens after the crowd, seated on Pilates' balls arranged around the stage in a non-hierarchical formation, has been warmed-down through a guided chakra cleansing meditation by a Buddhist monk. The house band, a punk gamelan ensemble led by a CSA farmer/massage therapist, launches into the show's theme song, "We People Who Are Darker Than Blue." The crowd chants om as the host takes the stage. The host drops into the tadasana pose and the band abruptly stops.]

[Host]: Thank you. Namaste. It's really beautiful to be here. You guys are so beautifully blissed out. Whatever depressants you guys are on, I want in, because Lithium just so does not work for me anymore. I mean, why is that just when you're enjoying a drug to its utmost effectiveness—flying high on a six-month Oxycodone stint, say—it starts losing its punch and you need to up your dosage on a daily basis. It's just not fair. It's as if the drug companies want you to be addicted. Which reminds me! A big shout-out to our sponsor, New Life Health Spa and Rehabilitation Center. While I'm contractually obligated to endorse New Life, as I still owe them for my treatment, they are indeed workers. Friends, if you have a family member heading down the K-hole of substance abuse, New Life has the custodial treatment options you're looking for. Just ask my mom. Hi mom! Fourteen days clean and sober two weeks from tomorrow!

[Host turns to the bandstand.]

[Host]: How about that band, huh?

[Audience chants an appreciative om.]

[Host]: Who'd have thought that you could lay a thin veneer of mannered aggression over Balinese music played by white guys in skinny jeans and still do justice to Curtis Mayfield? Skyler, man you really know how to rock that metallophone. And sorry I wasn't able to get to the farm this week; thanks for bringing my veggies—that kale sure is popping! Any possibility I could get some Shiatsu after the show? I need to clear some negativity I'm carrying in my lower back. We'll talk later.

[Host turns back to face the front of the stage. Not that the stage has a front, per se, as its having a front would imply that some Pilates' balls were more desirable than others, and that those given front-row Pilates' balls were chosen because of their looks or the host's desire to do private sessions of Bikram hot yoga with them.]

[Host]: Anybody following the news this week?

[The audience does a credible collective impression of nocturnal insect noise.]

[Host]: No, not the mainstream news. I mean Huff Post and the Guardian.

[Audience oms.]

[Host]: Did you hear about the US government study that just came out, showing that marijuana smoking doesn't screw up your breathing, long-term? Not only that, it seems there was a slight increase in lung function in marijuana users over nonsmokers. (Smoking dope is like a little workout for the lungs,heh heh.) Little by little, all the lies the government tells us—like "drugs are bad for you"—are being discredited. Today marijuana, tomorrow the Zapruder film. We shall overcome! But dig this: The 5,100 people in this study smoked, on average, a joint a day for seven years. And told the government all about it! Now I don't smoke pot anymore because it makes me too paranoid, but back in the day, no way I was going to be like: Uh, yes, that's correct, I smoke pot. Tons of it. You want to track my ingestion of illicit substances for the next 10 years and record all kinds of intimate shit about me? Sign me up! Calling all "I Smoked Marijuana Every Day for 10 Years and Told the Government About It" study participants: Be ready to flush the stash. The next knock on your door might not be from your dealer, and it might not be a knock either, if you know what I mean.

In other news, one of the Republicans is eventually going to win enough caucuses or straw polls or Klan meetings or whatever it is they have, to be the guy running against Obama who we'll vow to destroy. More on that as it happens.

Well, welcome to Chronogram Tonight! It may be the yerba mate talking, but I'm really excited. We've got a really enlightened show for you tonight. Anyone who doesn't feel like a better person by the time we're done here is obviously doing something wrong. Just write me an e-mail and I will explain it to you personally. Just don't take it personally, because you're great! Keep watching, you'll get enlightened one of these days. Stay tuned, more after a break. Shanti baby!

Speaking of...

  • Brian K. Mahoney envisions Chronogram's late night tv show.


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