“And I said, ‘but how can I breathe, how dare I breathe when my brother died of a lung infection four years ago? Ended up on a vent before he died… a totally meaningless death…’” She stopped. Waited for the tears to unblock her voice. “I was able to ask his forgiveness… for still being alive…and you helped me so much… everyone did. You were all so…kind.” She spoke the last word as if new and wondrous to her tongue.
Sierra smiled. “Well I’m not sure what I said is in the facilitators’ handbook... “Would you like to share your mandala?”
“No! I can’t draw!” But she put the paper in front of her. Dark trees covered the paper. Between the thickly interlaced boughs and trunks appeared slivers of light.
I was blown away by her admission. There I was, feeling holier-than-thou about her, while she was paralyzed by pain.
Dr. Grof had mentioned the lack of consensus about the origin of mental disorders, and the little difference in cure rate between the different models of treatment. The important factor in one’s healing, he said, is in the quality of feeling unconditionally accepted. In that supportive environment, the psyche is freed to communicate with its higher self, and to tap into the intrinsic healing wisdom of the body; a wisdom that’s connected to divine source.
During the twelve years that I had worked on an acute, hospital psych unit I had repeatedly witnessed how the staff’s attitude affected a patient’s ability to heal. Treated with respect and kindness, the patient’s pathologies became much less pronounced. Treated with hostility and impatience, the patients became correspondingly depressed, psychotic, and unmanageable.
But despite my positive clinical work with patients, I still became angry and impatient when others acted in ways I didn’t understand. This knee-jerk reaction had won me few friends.
If Sierra had been as harshly critical of the disinterested sitter as I was, she would have only created more anger and defensiveness in her. And then, when she was equally unable to participate as breather, it’s doubtful that she’d have listened to Sierra’s advice, no matter how well put. Through Sierra’s loving attention, the woman had overcome her own resistance and anger and was able to access healing emotions within herself.
I had been completely mystified when Sierra engaged the sitter in what seemed to be the best of jokes. Now I got it. The joke was on me. The despised woman was actually my mentor. Of what use was any opening and enlivening of my chakras if I remained pinched and defensive? Was healing even possible without a corresponding psychic shift?
I excitedly shared my impressions with my partner after the group. “I couldn’t stand her! And now I have such respect for her! Just goes to show…”
“Your tutor,” my friend remarked, “was the one yelling ‘fuck-you,’ when you were breathing.”
I sat up front on one of the sling-back cushion-chairs nearest to the stage to hear Dr. Grof on the last day of the workshop. My partner, who felt neither the need to listen that intently, nor wished to sit on the floor, sat in one of the chairs further back. The spiky-haired female sat in the first row of folding chairs.
Dr. Grof spoke of the universal consciousness that manifests as discreet units in our individual personalities, and the sacred rites practiced by ancient and indigenous cultures to facilitate the return of part to whole, from separateness to source. Holotropic Breathing is a “new technology of the sacred,” informed both by the ancient rites, and the current scientific belief that matter and energy co-exist in a vibratory universe with a synchronous relationship between parts and whole. Jung’s belief that the psyche is not contained solely in the individual brain, but is part of a collective unconscious, and that synchronicity not coincidence explains seemingly random events, aligns with the new vibratory paradigms of healing, Dr.Grof said.
After the talk, I spotted my partner with some people in the back of the room. Drawing closer, I was surprised to see it was my spiky-haired mentor and her weekend companion.