Kadison runs a 36-week group in Kingston to address domestic violence, through the Evolve program,cosponsored by Family of Woodstock—one of the oldest programs of its kind, which emerged in the 1970s. “It’s not just about physical violence, but also about control issues and emotional abuse. Many have learned this from their families of origin and want to break that cycle. For those of us who really become engaged on a regular basis with anger, it must have worked at some point in our lives, or we’ve seen it work for others. It can become a destructive addiction in itself.” Some group participants come voluntarily, but others are there in lieu of doing jail time, which Kadison says is controversial. “Many people think these men are in patterns beyond redemption. But the group of peers holds each other accountable. That’s our philosophy. The guys that finish credit us for turning their lives around.” Kadison emphasizes that anger can be a powerful motivational tool for personal growth and change. “It can help us get off our asses and do the kind of work that needs to get done.”
MEN SUPPORTING MEN
Some men are discovering the power of an age-old tradition: men supporting men through talking circles. David Brownstein, director of Wild Earth Wilderness School in New Paltz, is leading two such groups based on his several-year training in the 50:50 Helper program led by local luminaries Bert and Moira Shaw. “It is with their blessing,” he says reverently, “that I hold these men’s circles. It’s vitally important that we be sitting together in circles, so that we start to form a community of men relating to each other and supporting each other. We try to be self-sufficient, which can be a flaw in some ways, and it creates the illusion of ‘I’m alone.’ But when we can face our demons and questions in the presence of other men, it destroys the illusion. Just knowing you’re not alone is incredible—it’s like you’ve been holding your breath and can start breathing again.”
Brownstein guides men on a journey that begins with self-awareness and moves through self-acceptance, imagining a new future, and creating that future through the power of intention. “We create a very safe space, where we can express unhappiness, see our reflections in each other, and see our similarities. Then we can begin to look at our behavior and the ongoing patterns we engage in, and move toward acceptance of that without judgment. You can slowly try new ways of doing things. Old patterns will come up again, and you’ll be dissatisfied again, but you begin to think, ‘I’ll try it a little differently next time.’ When you do, you find you’re more satisfied. And when we speak of intention—what we want in our lives—there is more power to it in the presence of other men. You know those men have got your back, so you can go for what you want. You do that for each other.”
The acceptance piece of the process includes recognizing that life’s circumstances aren’t going to be perfect, but that it’s possible to be happy anyway. This is where the “50:50” comes in. “Life is both challenging and easy, wonderful and sad,” explains Brownstein. “When we accept that, we don’t have unrealistic expectations, and transformation is possible. You start to create the life you want, and can be open to divine intuition—a spiritual dimension. Then you become really happy.”
As powerful and beneficial as they are, men’s groups are not nearly as common as women’s groups—yet. “The thought of relating to one another is not a high priority for men,” says Brownstein. “But once they start coming, they see it as an additional piece of the circle that supports them as a husband, a father, a boss, an employee, and as a role model in the community. But we have to break down a lot of barriers in the process. A man must first recognize he’s not happy, or feels lonely, or worthless, despite achieving the goals of having money, and a great car, and taking great vacations—you have to question the premise that money will equal happiness.”
