FROM THE DESK of Dr. Shelley Keats, Director, Poetry Implementation, Federal Ministry of Metaphor and Pathetic Fallacy—Strictly Confidential!
Dear Poet: Based on the information we have been gathered, we intend to solicit your assistance on this transaction with you on the assumption that you will not disappoint us. We have Twenty Five Hundred Thousand United States Poems which we have collected over time from discarded anthologies and bankrupt literature magazines. We are seeking your assistance and permission to remit these poetries into your account or any other nominated account you can provide for us. Your commission will be 20% of the total syllabic count, with 10% for allusive gratuities. The remaining 70% is for my colleagues, myself, and of course the Muse. Please acknowledge your acceptance of this transaction by sending to me a copy of this letter with your private ISBN and Library of Congress numbers. I shall in turn inform you of the modalities for a formal application to secure the necessary approvals for the immediate release of these poetries into your account. Yours faithfully, Dr. Shelley Keats, PO Box 711, Parnassus, Nigeria.
MUSE-OF-THE-FUTURE seeks author readings for its acclaimed International Podcast. The show has received nearly 100 downloads since first going online in April 2002. Established authors pay only $250 to read up to three minutes of their work, with additional minutes available at additional rates. Readings recorded over the telephone at author’s expense, plus $20 handling fee. This is a great opportunity for writers who don’t know how to promote themselves. Trust us. Break-and-entry forms ($50) available at our website: www.museofthefuture.not.
NICTITATE seeks flash microfiction written in 24 seconds or less. I.M. yr best syllable to—oops, over.
NONDISCERNIBLE MICROBIOINOCULATOR is looking for well-crafted replies to rejection slips from snarky magazines and snobby journals. Here’s your opportunity for sweet revenge—unless, of course, you suffer the double indignity of being rejected by us. Please affix your replies to the original rejection slips (nails OK) and send to Salon de Refusé Part Deux, Box 86, Santa Fe, NM 87508.
SUBMIT YOUR BEST work to Bonhomie. Our annual reading period is from September 1 to September 4; poems or fiction submitted before or after those dates will be returned unread, assuming that you have provided a SASE; if not, they will be shredded and used as mulch, or, depending upon our whim, laid in a pit, set afire, and peed on. We will then send you jpegs of the charred, micturitious remains, accompanied by mocking captions. Are we turning you on? Additional, stricter guidelines at poeminatrix.com.
VICT/him creates an empowering space for bitter, wise/wizened/Wiccan, and nurturant writings of womyn, transgendered indyvyduals, marine mammals of color, and crones who stomp to the beat of a different frame-drummer. Contributions may be hand-delivered, woven of fiber, or e-mailed with succor to email@example.com. There are no rejections.