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New Paltz Offers Custom-Contaminated Rooms
Responding to an ever-increasing demand for its toxic dormitories, SUNY New Paltz is now offering custom-contaminated rooms to its students. Sophomores and higher will be given priority for this service, and, for a cost of $500 extra per semester, a student may choose the exact proportions of supertoxins they desire in their living environment.
Until recently, students who lived in dorms damaged in the infamous 1991 chemical fires on the campus had no idea what toxins they were getting, or how much. “This is seen as a breakthrough for consumer rights,” the Oracle student newspaper said in a recent editorial.
Custom combinations of dioxins, furans, benzene, dioxin-like PCBs, and ordinary PCBs will be available for students to choose from. Thanks to a new contract with the New York State Department of Health, the campus is able to offer rare and exotic polychlorinated quaterphenyls, the previous existence of which at New Paltz was only rumored.
“Everyone knows our buildings are toxic,” said Karen Cowtaw, director of Campus Residence Life. “We want our students to know exactly what they’re getting. So now they can actually choose.” Bliss and Scudder halls will be devoted to dioxins and Capen and Gage halls will be reserved mainly for PCBs, but there will be some overlap because so many PCBs actually mimic the toxicity of dioxin.
Health officials usually recommend the lighter-chlorinated PCBs such as Monsanto’s Aroclor 1016, but strongly suggest opting for the heavier dioxins such as OCDD (octochlorinated dibenzo-para-dioxin), which provides the full satisfaction of a supertoxin but is less damaging to the endocrine system. “OCDD is practically good for you,” said one high-ranking county health official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “Even fetuses just love it. But don’t leave it out in the sun.”
Dr. Blarney Stone, the maverick state scientist who assisted in revealing the broad extent of contamination in Gage Hall in 1994, said, “It’s a great idea as long as nobody living there plans to have kids. But if you don’t mind birth defects, you have nothing to worry about.”
All the chemicals that will be applied to the dorms are certified as pure by a New York State-endorsed lab. Beginning in the fall of 2007, there will also be a corresponding custom nutritional toxins program offered by Food Service.
Upon checking into their dorms, all students will also be issued a free copy of the seminal work Our Stolen Future by Dr. Theodore Colborn.



Scooter Libby Sentenced to 10 Years on Fox
Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 10 years as a reality show host on Fox News. Prosecutors and Fox producers are still working out the details, but the show is expected to be a smash hit from its first season.
Libby, a former vice presidential aide, was convicted last month of lying to federal prosecutors and a grand jury during the investigation into the Valerie Plame-Wilson spy-outing affair, and will begin serving his sentence as soon as sponsors are signed on. The most likely at this point are Halliburton and the Carlyle Group, though American Airlines has expressed a strong interest.
“We feel the punishment fits the crime,” said Patrick Fitzgerald, the Republican special counsel and impresario who got Libby convicted. “He’s a talented liar, we give him credit for that. It’s just too bad he lied to us. But lying to the public is perfectly legal. And they will love it. He’s actually a very entertaining liar,” said Fitzgerald. “I credit myself with having discovered him.”
One proposal for the program calls for the scene to be in an ancient Roman court, where Libby must act the part of an advisor to the emperor, who is suffering from lead poisoning. It will be a story of intrigue, treachery, and betrayal. Special guests will include Oliver North, the star of a previous reality show called “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly,” and Noam Chomsky, who will whisper carefully chosen bits of political philosophy into Libby’s ear as a form of legal torture.
Libby’s program will appear opposite “Countdown with Keith Olbermann” weeknights at 8pm, which Fox officials hoped would be devastating to the ratings of their nemesis.
In an alternate version of the program, Libby will be locked into a house with various pundits, who will engage in a hard game of obscuring the facts and distorting reality in an effort to protect the administration. Libby also has a short list of disloyal intelligence operatives that he will expose. Fitzgerald would, under this scenario, make several appearances on the program the first season. Libby and several congressional representatives will also spend a week locked into the house with Plame-Wilson and her husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson IV. “The public will watch them get to know one another as men, not just as adversaries,” said a Fox spokesman.

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