Petty Tyrants Conference Coming to Mohonk
The American Association of Petty Tyrants, or AAPT, will be holding its annual meeting at Mohonk Preserve in September. The national organization, formed in the wake of the September 11 events, will bring at least 1,000 uptight tourists to the area for a week of fun and control.
The week of the conference, local speed limits will be reduced by 5 mph without corrections being made to road signs, and New Paltz will double its road patrols. Local bars will be participating in the festivities by closing their doors at 1 am, and stores will arbitrarily refuse to accept returned items, such as defective flashlights. A number of restaurants will assist by refusing to provide water without ice to customers.
AAPT members include certain distinguished school administrators, rent-a-cops of the rank of corporal and above, assistant managers, distinguished land surveyors, and chronic litigants in civil lawsuits. AAPT also accepts freelance petty tyrants as long as they pass a qualifying exam, conducted once every 10 years.
At the conference, several of the attendees will be elevated to grand tyrant, which will make them eligible for the World Tyrant Excellence Competition, to be held in Washington, DC, next year.
Sex Co-Op Finally Opens in High Falls
After a very long discussion and much planning, the High Falls Sex Co-Op opened April 1, providing a source of easily available, wholesome nookie for the Hudson Valley community. Members will volunteer four hours per month at the new co-op, providing a diversity of services from erotic massage to talking dirty. Believed to be the first such experiment of its kind in the United States, the co-op was featured in USA Today last week.
“Everyone will be vegan and organically certified,” said Rainbow Raven Bear, the co-founder of the co-op. “We want to give people a pure service. And not only that, they have to be friendly, unless of course they specialize in the bitch or asshole fetish.” Raven Bear said that most of the organization’s volunteers are bisexual, which will provide greater flexibility and opportunity for the uninitiated to have their first same-sex erotic experience in a safe environment.
The sex co-op concept goes back 10 years to a Scorpio birthday party in Tillson, where it was unanimously agreed that more sex in the community was necessary.
“Everyone is always trying to get sex, but nobody seems to want to give it,” said Varuna Indra Mithra, who was at the original party and helped brainstorm the concept the night of the Taurus Full Moon in 1997. “The idea is simple—qualified people volunteer to give organic sex for four hours a month, and if you do the math, you will see that it won’t take long before everyone gets laid regularly.”
The co-op will feature a bookshelf with titles such as The Ethical Slut and Vestal Secrets: My Life as a Sacred Whore, as well as an herbal section with various tinctures such as canchalagua, horny goat weed, yohimbe, and onions.
Certain oral delicacies will also be offered. In addition, there will be sex discussion groups held several times a week, as well as feature films on the bonobo chimpanzees, promptly followed by an organic group masturbation ritual. For those adjusting to monogamous life, one weekend a month will be reserved for strictly one-on-one casual sex.
Find Your Soul’s True Greed Workshop
Spiritual Greed Intensive will be coming to the Siddhartha Ashram of Eclectic Buddhism in Loch Sheldrake, in mystical Sullivan County, later this summer. Taught by Gurumore, who is a big hit in New Delhi and Los Angeles, the Living True Greed Truly seminar will help enable participants to balance the demands of being highly spiritual and simultaneously deeply materialistic.
“This takes more than slapping a Greenpeace sticker on your Hummer,” said Swami Attachinanda, who will assist the Master in offering the divine teaching. “Stretching one’s soul between the arrogance of greed and the humility of the spiritual life presents a rare opportunity for embracing contradictions and thus resolving karma,” he added.
Gurumore will explain the subtle differences between bigger, better, and best while preserving an atmosphere of inspired greed and chanting om shanti at the cash register.
