We live in a world where nearly everything is an obligation, and when we express any form of voluntary desire or freedom, usually it is attended by guilt—or the people around us revolt on behalf of the status quo and try to keep us on the old path. But in truth, though they may do so, nobody has to lay the guilt trip on us: It just seems to materialize out of the ethers of consciousness.
We need some new models of relationship. We need ways to relate to one another in a loving and erotic context that allow for us to be individuals as well as to bond with one another. At the moment, our models of relationship call for significant, and I believe unnecessary, forms of sacrifice of individuality.
Everyone knows this, many people feel it distinctly as no form of relationship really seeming to work—but most people have no idea how to start the discussion. I think that this is the main thing that needs to happen—the conversation has to start. The place it needs to start is with people being honest with one another about their real needs in relationships.
The problem with this, of course, is that just about everyone fears that if they express their real relationship needs to partners or prospective partners, our relationships would fall apart or never happen. So in the partner game, you get a lot of mendacious activity: lies, secrets, and silence. In the dating game, you get a constant stream of public relations activity to make yourself as appealing as possible. Most people fear that if they are authentic, then they are unacceptable.
I have a different theory. Expressing your needs gives your partners or would-be partners something to work with. If someone has a clue what you need, maybe they will want to provide that or help you get it. Of course, maybe you will find out they have absolutely no interest whatsoever in doing so, which would be valuable information to have.
