But some people are happy with their partner doing whatever they want, and vice versa; but they opt to be exclusive with each other. For those who are monogamous by choice, well, you're as queer as anyone, and you deserve a place on the Queer Frontier. In that case, you'll be unlikely to tell anyone else they're "doing it wrong," or that they don't really understand monogamy. You'll affirm whatever anyone you care about chooses.
The other thing that came out of the conversation was the idea of including those for whom sexuality is an approach to existence. I mean tantra in the true sense of the idea, but unfortunately tantra is a loaded word, and many sources of information are inaccurate. It's often a gimmick to sell a "spiritualized" or "sacred" version of sex.
So I will describe what the experience might be like. You recognize that you are part of nature, and that sex is part of nature, and that therefore you are free to choose whatever you want; or at least choose from among whatever options you have. This begins with a conscious, loving relationship with yourself. At some point you make a choice to include yourself and fully occupy your life. You strive to know and accept yourself so you can know and accept others.
You treat sex as an honored teacher. It can be found in almost any aspect of life; people—nearly all people—are curious about others, and sexual curiosity is profound. Sex as a teacher would encourage curiosity and its counterpart, honesty.
Holistic sexuality is about making peace with every aspect of yourself, your feelings, your desires, your history, your potential, and your shadow material. Shadow material is any fear, guilt, shame, denial, rage, or sense of chaos (among other experiences) in the presence of love and creativity. Light and life are beautiful, and then there is shadow material. Being sexually holistic means that you are in a conscious process of making peace with your shadow.
Sexual shadow can include everything I've described above, as well as "darker" desires, the sensation of abandonment or rejection, the need to experiment (sometimes radically) and embracing other potential sexual orientations that you contain. If you can address shadow material, you are open to intimacy.
The persistent question about the relationship between sex and intimacy points to one fact: the two are connected. Unless someone runs, kicks, screams, or goes into radical denial, sex brings us closer. And it's that closeness that's essential to holistic sexuality. I don't mean attachment. I mean contact, bonding, and the freedom to love freely within the infinite web of life.
