Quarter to Three

By Sparrow

How to Make Everything

Report On the Pear Sauce Contest
For highly memory-retentive readers, it will not be difficult to summon to mind the very first Quarter to Three Contest in which the question “Why is there no pear sauce, only applesauce?” was posed. Here are the extravagant results:

1) There are two first-place winners, Wendy Klein, who writes: “Because it takes two ingredients to make pear sauce and no one can figure out what the other is”; and Susan Rachel Banki who suggests: “There is no pear sauce because latkes with pear sauce sounds ridiculous.” Both of these lucky thinkers will receive free copies of books by Sparrow, author of this column.

2) An honorary mention goes to Drew Yamar, who responds: “Pears cannot be made into sauce because the granular pulp mass precludes proper fluid-flow hydraulics.”
[Note: “Latkes” is the Yiddish word for potato pancakes.]

Tabloid Research
J.D.
Salinger
drinks his
own urine.
NY Post 9/14/00

And now, a selection from my forthcoming book, How to Make Everything, the Easy Way, Volume 1:

• How to Make a Paintbrush
1) Find a clothespin.
2) Cut off 3/4" of your hair.
3) Glue the hair to the clothespin.
• How to Make a Toothbrush
1) Find a twig.
2) Wrap a strip of velcro around the twig.
• How to Make Curtains
1) Find a stick.
2) Tie shirts to the stick.
3) Tie shirts to those shirts.
4) Tie shirts to those shirts.
5) Hang from a window.
• How to Make a Refrigerator
1) Find a cardboard box.
2) Place food in the box.
3) Put the box outside, in the cold.
[Note: This only works in winter, or in frigid climates.]
• How to Make a Rug
1) Do a 1000-piece puzzle.
2) Buy cotton balls.
3) Glue cotton balls to the puzzle.
4) Place on the floor.
• How to Make a Cot
1) Find 4 car tires.
2) Arrange them in a rectangle.
3) Stretch a sheet over them.
4) Hammer a nail, through the sheet, into each tire.
• How to Make Shoes
1) Cover you feet with clay 2 inches thick.
2) Allow to dry.
• How to Make a Wallet
1) Take a page from a newspaper.
2) Place your credit cards, library card, driver’s license, and money inside.
3) Fold the paper.
4) Place in your pocket.
• How to Make a Cash Register
1) Find 4 hollow logs.
2) Place them in a row.
3) Put 20-dollar bills in one, 10-dollar bills in another, 5-dollar bills in another, and singles in another.
• How to Make an Umbrella
1) Find an abandoned house.
2) Cut away a section of the roof.
3) Place on a broom.
4) Glue together.
• How to Make a Button
1) Chew a piece of bubble gum.
2) Form into a disc.
3) Sew onto a shirt or coat.
4) Allow to harden.
• How to Make a Book
1) Find a pile of books your neighbor is throwing out.
2) Take p. 1 from one book, p. 2 from another book, p. 3 from another book, and so on.
3) When you have enough pages, make a cover.
4) Glue together.
• How to Make a Boat
1) Find a large watermelon
2) Hollow out.
3) Place in water.

9/18
An old man (in a green cap) walks
slowly, in front of me, upon Main St.

He’s just gone shopping, and I can see
what he’s bought, through the translucent
shopping bag: toilet paper
& Ivory soap.

Overheard Phrase
“I got a giant stuck in my head.”

Spiritual Fleas
100 spiritual fleas
can kill
an evil dog

10/2
“That guy is the smartest man the city.”
“Oh yeah?” I replied to Sid.
Then the smart man came over to us. “What college did you go to?” he asked me.
“Cornell,” I responded.
He nodded. I noticed he had red hair, which reminded me of a friend.
“Do you know Steve Doyle?” I inquired.
“Yes, I do,” he replied, surprised. “He’s a Twilight Zone Republican in L.A.”
“Hold on. Let me write a note you can give him,” I asked.
“Okay,” said the smartest man in the city.
But while I was writing the note, I woke up.

How I Box
Here’s how I box:
I walk into the ring, swinging wildly—
left, right, up, sidewise—
not even trying to connect.
Then I bow my headand move in tiny circles.
Then, lying down
on the floor,
I breathe deeply, try to relax—
and, when he least expects,
come up behind my opponent
and kiss him.