Quarter to Three by Sparrow

FING

Art by Joseph D’Angelo

A Novel Politician
While reading a five-week-old newspaper, I came upon a surprising admission by then Governor George W. Bush—he confessed that he is a novelist. In an interview with CBS, (New York Times, 12/6) he discussed the political struggles of recent weeks: “It’s been a fascination, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’m not a very good novelist. But it’d make a pretty interesting novel.”

For those of you unskilled in grammar, let me explain. “I’m not a very good novelist” means “I am a novelist.” Let me further elucidate. Suppose I say, “I am a very bad ice skater.” This must mean that at some time I have skated on ice. Otherwise I must remark, “I suspect I am not a good ice skater.” If Bush knows he is a poor novelist, he must have written novels—as the American Heritage Dictionary informs us that a novelist is “a writer of novels.”

Even someone who has written a 312 page manuscript with the title Auction of Husbands, yet which remains unfinished, is not a novelist. “Novelist” is not defined as “a person who begins novels” or “a person who cannot finish a novel.” A novelist writes entire novels.

Thus we know that George W. Bush (unless he was lying or misspeaking) has written at least two novels—because our definition, I’m sure you noticed, refers to “novels” in the plural.

This can explain one mystery of Bush—what he does with his time. Many Americans have been puzzling over this question. We have noticed that he spends most days at his 5000-acre ranch, near Waco, Texas, but beyond that we are unclear. He doesn’t seem to be riding around on horses. One gets the feeling he is indoors. I heard a rumor that he is addicted to video games, but this could be a smear invented by his detractors. He seems, in interviews, only vaguely aware of the details of contemporary politics. He doesn’t even attend church, although (and this may be a crucial statement) he did once refer to Jesus as his favorite writer.

Bush is writing novels. That’s why so little of his time is accounted for. As a novelist myself, I know how much of my day appears wasted. I spend hours sitting in the kitchen reading five-week-old newspapers (or four-month-old newspapers). Someone calls me on the phone, and I chat for 45 minutes. But all this is preparation for the writing of my next chapter.

I know what you’re thinking: “Bush is too unintelligent to write novels.” First of all, remember what Bush himself stated: “I’m not a very good novelist.” It’s possible that, although he does write many novels, none of them are well written. Another thought is that you and I know him only as a presidential candidate. Suppose we knew James Joyce as a presidential candidate. He might appear to us aloof, testy, muttering. We might be certain that he, too, is an awful writer.

We can only await, with ample patience, the eventual publication of Bush’s novels. Then we can truly speak of his literary gifts. Until then, we can be proud to have (unless Bush was merely joking) our first novelist President.

Fing
William Burroughs cut off part of his finger.
Thereafter, he had a fing.

Palindrome Report
Palindromes continue to re-echo here at Quarter to Three.
(A palindrome is, of course, a word, phrase or prayer book that
reads the same backwards and forwards.)

We now present our first historically accurate palindrome, in reference to William Howard Taft, this nation’s most rotund president (1909-13), who ultimately weighed 324 pounds: Taft, 0, got fat.

Meanwhile, Susan Rachel Banki, the gifted international econo-social scholar at Tufts, writes:
“Why isn’t the word ‘palindrome’ a palindrome? Backwards it’s ‘emordnilap’.”
I have two possible solutions to this dilemma: “logomogol” and “forwardrawrof”. Either can replace “palindrome”, but the plurals will have to include an “s” at both ends:
slogomogols
sforwardrawrofs.

Finally, allow me to include:
Failed Palindromes

Lou’s soul
taco on a cot
Trevor, pervert
soy yoyos

True Sister Harvest
Submissions have been arriving for the True Sister Contest, in which participants were asked to create word squares. These alphabetical squares, you recall, were invented by medieval Russian astrologers, and moved West in love letters of the 16th century.

Nancy Moreau entered:
ZEUS
E   U
U   E
SUEZ

while Peter Sorrentino inscribed:
AESOP
E     O
S      S
O     E
POSEA

and Mike Topp and Fall Willboordse offered:
BOOZE
O      Z
O      O
Z      O
EZOOB

Please applaud them all, together or singly, if you see them on line at the ShopRite.

Further Correspondence
A letter from a reader I will call Olive Parson alerted me that not everyone understood the following poem, published in this column last December:

Gulls
Seagulls
on the lawn—
all walking NE

7:18 AM Boiceville 10/19

“What’s NE?” Olive inquires. (In this case, “NE” means “Northeast.”)

Initialism
Which reminds me, I was recently reading the Acronyms and Initialisms Dictionary (1965), and discovered that “BM” means:
Before Marriage
Boatswain’s Mate
Bureau of Mines
Beata Maria (The Blessed Virgin)
Bench Mark
and
Bachelor of Music.

Green Hedge Contest
And now, allow me to announce our latest Quarter To Three voluntary spree: the Green Hedge Contest. Below is an excerpt from my new book. Help me write it!

1001 Ways to Lose at Chess
1. Grind all the pawns into powder.
2. Paint the board gray.
3. Replace the knights with olives.
4. Make all your moves without looking at the board.
5. Spend hours making hula skirts for the pawns.
6. Attempt to balance a watermelon on the bishops.
7. Refuse to make a move.
Send your ideas to: Green Hedge Contest
c/o Chronogram, Post Box 459, New Paltz, NY 12561.
Or e-mail Sparrow44@Juno.com.We have room for 994 winners!