Backbone > Quarter to Three
Outlaw Money
by Sparrow; Illustration by Thomas McDonough

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Ada,
I was chewing a cherry, and mistakenly bit my cheek—thus learning my cheek has the same texture as a cherry.

My friend George, who calls himself “The 10th Duke of Ravenswood” (and I just found out why—as a child in Astoria, his phone number was Ravenswood 6-8302), told me the story of how he escaped the draft. “All my friends were shooting off their toes, going to Canada, or becoming gay, but I didn’t want to do that,” he said. Meanwhile, he had fractured his ankle falling off his bicycle in Central Park. From watching movies about the Army, he knew that each draftee had to cough, then hop on each foot, at the physical.

George was in a room full of guys in their underwear. “Cough!” said the huge sergeant. Everyone coughed. “Now hop on your right foot!” the sergeant continued. Everyone did. “Hop on your left foot!” the sergeant bellowed. “I can’t,” replied George.

The sergeant advanced toward George, and lifted him up by the shirt: “You hippie asswipe, hop on your left foot or I’ll tear your balls off!” (“You know how these guys talk,” George explained.)
“I can’t,” replied George.

The sergeant was getting nervous. (“He was afraid it would be contagious.”)

George showed him the X-ray of his ankle: “I fractured my ankle.”
The sergeant sent him to a doctor, in the next room. The doctor had a marked German accent. “Vat is yore major, at the university?” he asked. (George was attending C.W. Post College.)

“Epistemology and metaphysics,” George revealed.

The German doctor signed his deferment, and shouted to him angrily: “Now get out of here!”

The word “flag” is also a verb, of course. People seem to forget this. “Flag” means “to decline in vigor or strength” (American Heritage Dictionary). “I love to see an American flag” means “I love to an American lose vitality.”

Love,
RLS

Outlaw Money
One night a tall man came up to me. “Give me all your money,” he said. He was holding a knife.

“Just my money?” I asked. “Not my wallet?”

“I don’t need your goddamn credit cards,” the tall man said, almost smiling.

I handed him my money: $32. He counted it slowly, then handed me some bills in return. “This is outlaw money,” he explained. “It is valid among outlaws.”

I examined the money. There was a twenty dollar bill, a ten dollar bill, and two ones. The twenty dollar bill had a picture of Robin Hood; the ten dollar bill had the likeness of Al Capone; the one dollar bills had images of Tupac.

“Thank you,” I replied.

“Never thank an outlaw,” the tall man said, walking off.

Year Alarm
“I bought a year clock, with a year alarm,” my friend Ted told me. “I can set it for any date—October 12, for example. Then I will remember: ‘My wife’s birthday is tomorrow.’”

Multiple Sex Hats
“I always wear a hat for sex,” explains Adelle ________*.

“It shapes the tone of the evening.”

“Do you always wear the same hat?” I ask.

“No. I have seven hats. One has a long widow’s veil; one is Christian Dior; one’s a nurse cap.”

“Does your partner wear a hat?”

“No, two hats, for sex is redundant.”

* Adelle would not reveal her last name.

Puzzle Town
The town of Yglept, Oregon was laid out in the shape of a crossword puzzle. An aerial view of Yglept exactly resembles the September 11, 1937 puzzle from the Portland Courier.

Poem (106)
climate L

A Cure
My friend Elberta wrote me:
i was in nyc but now am back in delaware.
mom seems to be stablizing.
i seem to be having a nervous breakdwon.
come visit delaware.

I replied:
Elberta,
Here is a formula, which will save you from a
nervous breakdown. Repeat this over and over again:
“Mu mu mu
I am not too tall”
Love,
Sparrow

She replied:
It worked; many thanks.

(I report this in case I’ve discovered a general cure for
nervous breakdowns, and any Quarter to Three
readers are having one.)

Rococo Olives
Draw intricate patterns on three olives, with vegetable dyes. (This should take three to six hours.)
Serve with cottage cheese.

Arlene,
The lake in Lake Hill, under a gray sky,
is today a lake of questions.
From my notes:
40,000 men died at Gettysburg.
Bumper sticker:
IF YOU ARE LOST, GOD ALLOWS U-TURNS.
In the hardware store: hex bolts, lag screws, toggle bolts.

What happens if you don’t extract your money from an ATM? The machine proffers the bill(s) in its mechanical teeth, and you pull them out. But what if you don’t?
Does it beep? Does it freeze?
Will it eventually swallow the money?
I am too cowardly to try. Maybe you aren’t.

Love,
Sparrow