Backbone > Quarter to Three

The Empty House
By Sparrow . Illustration by Mike Dubisch

Marco,
I am writing you about the Spirituality of Sherlock Holmes. Did you know he visited the Far East? I will quote Sherlock himself (addressing Watson): “I traveled for two years in Tibet…and amused myself by visiting Lhasa, and spending some days with the head lama…. I then passed through Persia, looked in at Mecca, and paid a short but interesting visit to the Khalifa at Khartoum, the results of which I have communicated to the Foreign Office.” (From “The Adventure of the Empty House.”) All this occurred after Sherlock’s apparent death at the hands of Professor Moriarty at Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland.
How did Sherlock respond to this pilgrimage? What did he pursue afterward? “Returning to France, I spent some months in a research into the coal-tar derivatives, which I conducted in a laboratory at Montpellier....”

Upheaval,
Sparrow

A Fact
Most comedians eat baby food.

French Kiss Boycott
“This Iraqi war has been hard,” my friend Roselle [not her real name] told me. “My boyfriend refused to French kiss me for three months! ‘I don’t want to do anything French,’ he said. ‘Can’t you call it Freedom Kissing?’ I asked, but Tom [not his real name] said no. Finally, in August—August 9—he tongue-kissed me again. Thank God!”

Edible Chess
Carve carrots, celery, and cucumber into chess pieces.
Play a game.
When you lose a piece, eat it.

Dadaji,
Every American must design a monument for the World Trade Center, I believe.
Here are three proposals of mine:

1) Nothing.
(I am the only architect to suggest nothing. Nothing is the one proposal which captures the grim terror of September 11.)

2) A flagpole so high one cannot see its flag.

3) Fascinating conversationalists are hired to stand on the site and talk. Anyone who comes may speak with them. This will be the first human monument, composed entirely of people.

My daughter and I played Taoist Monopoly. Here’s how:
We decided only to play for 20 minutes; thus, no one
could win.

We only bought properties we liked, not ones that were useful to us. I noticed I most desired Baltic Avenue and Mediterranean Avenue, with their lovely deep purple color, and their simple rents: $2 and $4. I refused to buy Boardwalk, though I landed on it.
At the end of our goalless game, we both (by coincidence) were in jail. How poetic!

I am listening to Vivaldi lately—the concertos. (I don’t know which version, someone gave me a homemade tape.) Vivaldi is like The Grateful Dead—his fast songs are good, his slow songs a little dull.

Truly,
Sparrow

Roasted Swords
The Spartans would “roast” their swords before battle, placing them in a fire until they were red hot.

A Letter
Dear Sparrow,
I bought a half-new shirt. Here’s what happened. A tailor found a shirt in a thrift shop. He cut the shirt in half. Then he sewed a new half onto one of the old halves. (The two sides match.)
It is, I am told, the only half-new shirt in the world.
Sincerely,
Cindy

The New Yorker Cartoon
“You have reached the Knights of the Round Table.
To speak to Sir Lancelot, press 1.
To speak to Sir Galahad, press 2.
To speak to Sir Gawain, press 3.
To speak to Sir Perceval, press 4.
To speak to Sir Bors, press 5.
To speak to Sir Ector, press 6.
To speak to Sir Garreth, press 7.
To speak to Sir Bedevere, press 8.
To speak to Sir Kay, press 9.
To speak to Merlin, press ‘star.’
To speak to Mordred, press ‘pound.’
This message will repeat.”