so much depends 1,2,3,4,5,6,7
1 How much of the beauty
ibid—of cypress knees of aerial roots of mangroves cowering
rain clouds reaching for soil from black box sky
2 I remember you in the shadows.
You ask for memories I don't have.
3 regardless of any dogma any meaning
or lack
of regardless of desire
to ignore facts ignore
ignorance
ignore bias and hope and fear
4 I am in need of solitude, of slow time.
5 Lonely sounds of lake freezing, water molten.
6 Latent state of being where no amount of heat will raise the temperature.
7 a drop of dew falling from a leaf explains the humid winds blowing
through
window screens on a night
without electricity
upon 8,9,10,11,12
8 That's how I fell in love—
9 That point at which steam rises yet I know it will not take me.
Into the humid air. Into the current's convecting flow.
10 and the fog that follows becomes the reason to sleep
as crickets chirp and neutrinos crash
and grass decays into soil
11 bacteria in porous rocks a mile below earth's surface
12 regardless of those preaching impending
death threat of nothingness
regardless of rock and roll alternative
viewpoints alternative
lifestyles alternatives to evolution
to science to cosmology
a red wheel barrow 13,14,15,16,17
13 —the light from above your left shoulder, your leaning forward
ardent
deflecting the light onto walls like hands
forming my interest
in ambiguity in restlessness.
I remember the restlessness.
14 ecumenism universalism Catholicism Baptism of fire
of water of ashes of mud
15 Thunder clouds boiling, plates subducting, kids competing
for attention, harmonic traffic.
Ennui
freezing into routine.
16 becoming justification for fossil fuels
and wind through hair and gunshots
17 insects crawling over leaves fossils hanging in lime
cliffs ripples of rain drops
glazed with rain 18,19,20,21
18 There is more than sanctuary within
time outside of time, mind outside of skin.
19 of the trickster the wolf the crow
the man behind the curtain ontogeny
recapitulating
phylogeny progeny legacy
20 The early inhibitions and inadequacies, the sensations
of exploration and mystery, of you in the white shirt
and black cardigan sweater.
You are always colder than me.
21 as anger becomes excuse for almost anything
water 22,23,24,25,26
22 fallacy mendacity complicity regardless
of philosophy religion piety sin or innocence
having faith keeping faith
23 I like arctic landscapes,
ammonites scattered like leaves on Seymour Island, the uncertainty,
it inspires me to act as if to itch, to approach you seduce you
trick you fool you inveigle you with my chivalry and deep
waters. I like caves and the processes that form them, the time
the time the time the time the time.
My only talent is time.
The knowledge that mountains will come and be leveled
and come again, that all meaning is contained in moments
too short for time to stretch and imprint and inveigle
into memory, and the shadows
fell across your face,
except for the crystalline blue of your eyes. I've always preferred
winter landscapes, the beauty of ice on branches, the sky
and ground fused, a fog rising,
24 There's more than renewal, more than freedom, more than eternity.
25 in placid water flowers emerging
slowly
oceans lapping against mottled shores
rainforests competing canopies whole
ecosystems huddled around deep-sea volcanic vents
diatoms surviving in Antarctic ice
26 except the tears that fall pulling leaves from trees suspending
dust fertilizing oceans driving hurricanes and acts of God
beside the white chickens.27,28,29,30,31
27 means only this
you must believe
in the value of human spirit
over any pursuit of meaning
28 like the soul of the earth,
with just the contrast of your eyes penetrating, proving life
still exists, proving to me the worst event in any life
is to lose the shadows,
the details of ambiguity.
29 all because life requires meaning
30 comes from the knowledge
that all of this is meaningless
to me
31 There is nothing.
- Bradley Earle Hoge