Editor's Note: End Times

by Brian K. Mahoney, October 27, 2008

You know times are hard when Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, is dragged in front of a House committee and forced to admit previous trangressions, like some old Bolshevik at a Stalinist show trial. On October 23, Greenspan told the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform that he had loved too deeply, held too close to his wizened old man-bosom (I’m paraphrasing here), his belief in the power of the free market to self-correct. “Those of us who have looked to the self-interest of lending institutions to protect shareholders’ equity, myself included, are in a state of shocked disbelief,” he said.

Greenspan, bless his heart, still managed to put in a good word for the free market, suggesting that it would turn itself around. “Whatever regulatory changes are made, they will pale in comparison to the change already evident in today’s markets,” he said. “Those markets, for an indefinite future, will be far more restrained than would any currently contemplated new regulatory regime.”

Now, I’m no economist, but I wonder if Greenspan, at 82, hasn’t gotten a touch senile. Was he not paying attention to government’s helping hand in the growth of capitalism in the last hundred years? Alan, baby: There is no such thing as a free market. The government, since the creation of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation in 1933 following the bank panics of the early 20th century, has explicitly (as in the case of the FDIC) and implicitly (as in the case of Greenspan’s decision to keep interest rates low throughout the final years of his Fed chairmanship) guaranteed this country’s business sector. The recent bailout of Bear Stearns, Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac, and AIG merely underscores, again, the government’s role as ultimate guarantor in our economy. Last I checked, that’s not free market capitalism.

Now that Greenspan, once Washington’s economic Svengali, has been run out of town on a rail, the writing—or blood splatter and bullet holes—is on the wall: Panic! What many businesspeople don’t realize, however, is that a recession is the perfect time to expand their business. That’s why the forward thinking board of directors at Luminary Publishing (Chronogram’s evil corporate overlord), has directed me to cook up ideas for new magazines suited to this climate of economic turmoil. Allow me to sketch out some titles you might be seeing on the newsstand in 2009:

End Times
In these troubled times, we’re all looking for assurance. We all want security. We crave information from a source we can trust. Look no further than End Times. Each month our staff of pessimistic prognosticators, bleak forecasters, and paranoiacs will chart the path of impending doom with diligence and insouciance. Admit it: The end is nigh. Subscribe today and we’ll even send you a placard that says so. Better hurry, your first issue could be your last!

(This title should not be confused with the already existing Endtime magazine, “one of the most widely circulated biblical prophecy magazines in the world.” Recent articles from Endtime include “Will the Real Antichrist Please Stand Up?” and “The Good Side of Armageddon.”)