Larry Beinhart's Body Politic

March of the Secularists

by Larry Beinhart and photographs by Ion Zupcu, May 26, 2009

The Pope is out to get me. Worse than that, he wants to round up all the monotheists and send them after me.

A few weeks ago in Jerusalem, he spoke about it in secret when he was trying to set up a conspiracy with the Grand Mufti. Word leaked out. I heard about it through the grapevine. My personal grapevine is Northeast Public Radio. Here’s what they told me:

The Pope spoke of a theme dear to him, which is a grand alliance of the three monotheistic religions: the Christians, plus the Muslims, plus the Jews. Against what he sees as the march of secularism in the West.
That’s me. A marching secularist.

A lot of people will say that I shouldn’t take it personally. That he didn’t mean it personally. That he doesn’t even know who I am. But that’s how state and religious terrorists do it. They never mention anyone “personally.” They never even know anyone “personally.” Then boom! Jets out of the sky! Bombs! Missiles! Hijacked planes! Secret policemen! Regular policeman, with guns, clubs, Tasers, and prisons.

Some people will say, “Ah, come on, he’s the pope. Nobody listens to the pope. Calm down, Larry, you have nothing to fear!”

To which I say, “Hah! Have you no sense of history? How quickly you forget. 9/11. That president who thought he was on a crusade.” As to the future, Monty Python said it best: “Nobody expects [the next] Spanish Inquisition.”

Why? Why is the pope out to get me? Why is he trying to organize a vast international conspiracy? Benedict spoke of moral relativism and the offenses it spawns against the dignity of the human person. Moral relativism? From a guy who was a member of Hitler Youth. And now he claims to be the divine successor to the Prince of Peace. The Catholic Church’s relationship to Hitler and the Holocaust was an exemplary exercise in moral relativism. Do we stand up to this guy because he’s a monster? Or do we go along to get along? For the greater good of the survival of our institution.

The “moral relativism” that has the pope quivering beneath his yarmulke goes like this:

There is a wide variety of moralities around the world. That supposes that each one is a cultural construct. There is no way to say one is better than the others. Therefore they are all arbitrary. If that’s true, nothing is demanded, nothing is forbidden. Anybody can do anything they want.

Yikes! We’ll screw with wild abandon!

That’s what it really boils down to. The pope is not selling the Vatican treasures to feed the poor, demanding war crimes trials for Bush and Cheney, asking for higher taxes on Exxon and Chevron. It’s about marital monogamy, no contraception, and no abortion (make sure there’s a serious penalty phase for sex).

Nonetheless, let us look at the philosophical issues.