End of the World Scheduled for Friday | Monthly Forecast | Hudson Valley | Chronogram Magazine

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Tea Party members objected to the expenses involved, funds which would have to be borrowed from China or Cuba. "It's cost trillions to cause the apocalypse, and it's going to cost more to clean up from it," said Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, who is not really in the Tea Party, but pretends. "We already have a spending problem."

Democrats accused them of kicking the can down the road. "There's no further to kick it," said Bernie Sanders, who is actually a Socialist. "This time it's going to go right off the edge."

Survivalism Abounds
Texas last week ran out of lethal injection drugs, and resorted to axes and machetes in its race to execute its entire roster of death row inmates before The End does it for them.

End of the World Scheduled for Friday
Are you ready? If you don't want to eat tuna fish for the rest of your short life, think: diversity.

Meanwhile, survival websites were trending vigorously on Twitter. Prepper News ranked the highest, getting more than a million hits a day, featuring instructions for how to make a homemade rabbit trap at #catchbunny.

"People think there will be hamburger at the store forever," said Melissa Suculent, the website's editor. "I have bad news for them. They're going to need Bunny Helper."

Meanwhile, Preppers were trading tuna fish recipes in record volume, getting ready for the inevitable -- that they would get sick living on the stuff after a week. "Wv bn Prpng fr yrs. Bg momnt arvng," twted one. But one commenter to the site asked, "If it's The End, why prepare for it?"

Walmarts across the country were selling out of Minute Rice, diapers and batteries, and were peppered with the sound of gunfire in the aisles as customers competed for merchandise. Radio Shack's national headquarters said that every store was out of walkie-talkies, and that customers were even buying Morse code keys, and asking how to type S-O-S.

Debate Rages On
Continuing the tradition of debate associated with 2012, a diversity of intellectuals continued to bang their heads against one another.

End of the World Scheduled for Friday
Pinchbeck, the editor of Reality Sandwich, said he would drink a gallon of ayahuasca and "finally figure out this whole 2012 thing."

Over the weekend, expert panels debated how The End might arrive. At the Javits Center in Manhattan, one group of professors, moderated by John Major Jenkins, pondered whether The End would come in dribs and drabs, or all at once.

One panelist said that the world could not possibly end Friday, because there is not enough time, though others argued that we would have assistance from space aliens with advanced destructive capabilities, just like we did on Sept. 11.

In the main hall of the massive convention center, about 1,000 participants gathered for the world's largest ever ayahuasca binge, determined to finally figure out what 2012 really means. The event, which is still in progress, is being hosted by Daniel Pinchbeck and assisted by the Bulimia Society of Manhattan. Pinchbeck said he would drink a gallon of the medicine, and "hopefully come back with some useful information."

Willow of Web of Weeping Willow Astrology issued a statement in sky writing earlier this morning, which read, "This is all a crock of New Age bullshit." Sadly, it was not visible against the swarms of chemtrails crisscrossing the sky. But ascension expert David Wilcock countered that argument, saying on his podcast last night, "I told you something was happening. I knew it! Something really is happening! It really is!"

CNET, the high-tech site, was advising its users to print out their whole disk drive, in case The End arrives in the form of electromagnetic pulse from an air-burst nuclear weapon, solar flares which disrupt the power grid, or your laptop croaking.

End of the World Scheduled for Friday
Jim Morrison and the rest of The Doors will be back for one final concert, a tribute to The End.

"At least you will have a paper backup, if your disk drive is erased by the magnetic waves," the editors said.

Other pundits were more cryptic. "It is written in the book of NorQuest: After MyEnd Elders run the Buffaloed Buffalo-Soldier-haired Obama over cliff, then Chief BackTonO'Cash will emerge from Goldmen's Sacks, beginning a New Fiscal Age of Even More Glorious Exclusive Entitlement," said Paul Krugman.

The Doors have reserved Madison Square Garden for Thursday, Dec. 20, for their reunion concert, at which Jim Morrison is expected to play his final performance.

Apple announced last week that it would accelerate production of the iPhone 6, with an anticipated release on Thursday. Thousands of loyal customers were planning to spend their last week on Earth lined up to get one of the devices, which they would have approximately one day to use.

"I lost my job to get the iPhone 5," one customer said. "I'll give the last week of my life to have the iPhone 6."

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