What’s Your (Pluto) Sign? | Monthly Forecast | Hudson Valley | Chronogram Magazine
What’s Your (Pluto) Sign?
Jean-Luc Bozzoli

Twenty twelve is going to be a big year for Pluto. This is the year of the Uranus-Pluto square you may have heard about, an aspect that is going to make the next few years feel a lot like the 1960s. This won't just be Pluto; it will be the rare combination of Uranus and Pluto.

That said, in recent years, in part thanks to the proliferation of astrology on the Internet, celebrating one's "Pluto tribe" has become a thing, and I'm not sure it's a good thing but it exists and there's nothing we can really do about it. At least it's better to have accurate information available.

I recognize some limits on what I'm proposing here in terms of race, class, and country; these interpretations would probably not work well for people living in Sweden or South Africa, but then you never know. That said, let's consider the basic properties of Pluto through the signs, starting with Pluto in Cancer. Anyone offended by anything I'm saying can take it up with Pluto. I am merely reporting the facts.

Pluto in Cancer (1912-37) was the greatest generation; there will never be a greater generation and anyone who comes after them who thinks there might be is sadly mistaken. This generation was so great that Pluto did them the honor of being discovered in the sign Cancer. "The Star Spangled Banner" was written just for them; Francis Scott Key knew they were coming. The family is everything, except for the church, God, and country. Ultimate goal was to become an Eagle Scout and work for General Motors or IBM. Still saving for their child's PhD, even though their child has retired. They are "still there" for them. Proud of their children even though so many refused to join the Army, and the ones that did lost the Vietnam War. It wasn't really their fault. Eventually, we'll win another war. Still get nervous when making a long-distance telephone call. Unconsciously flips through the channels at 7 p.m. looking for Walter Cronkite, but after an hour, keeps finding Bill O'Reilly. Patiently waiting for the next Moon landing. Still astonished that appliances no longer come with a protective dust cover, and that you cannot order one even if you're willing to pay.  

Pluto in Leo (1937-56) holds both copyright and patent to the term "baby," including use in Baby Boomer™ and "Hey, baby." Seventy is the new 40. This generation is so liberal that they're conservative or so conservative that they are complete freaks. Home of the pot-smoking, guitar-playing Republican and the vegan, puritanical Democrat who has not had a drink since 1977. Vitamin C is still the cure for everything. In their day, they didn't change the world; they were so cool, the world changed for them. Cool is what counts. What they say is cool is what is cool until they say it isn't cool anymore. Any music recorded after 1970 is terrible unless they say otherwise. Tea Party conservatism is the new peace and love. There are a few who I call The Redeemers who want to dust off their activist Girl Scout merit badge sash and join the Occupy movement, or get involved because they missed their chance the first time around. Once tried an open marriage, but went back to getting divorced because it was simpler. Ultimate possession is an SUV with a Greenpeace sticker on it (or a Harley). Still has original AOL address from 1998. Starts a blog just to see how many hits it's possible to get. Ruined astrology by asking "What's your sign?" several thousand times too many. Many now live on a steady diet of Prozac, Viagra, and porno.

Pluto in Virgo (1956-71) is between the Baby Boomers™ and Gen X, not as idealistic as the Boomers and not as cynical as Gen X. Materialism is cool, as long as it's for a practical purpose. They remain trapped in extremely well-organized cubicles, spending years developing branding and marketing campaigns. Among the first programmers of the commercial Internet, they still say the word "computer" and mean it. Activists among them send around email petitions, or even start an online petition service. They're too busy to come to the protest, but they support it in principle and watch from the 30th-floor window. They will change the system from within. They're terrified to let their kids do any of the things that they did. They had sex, drugs and rock-and-roll (which their children are not allowed to know about). Their kids are growing up on supervised playdates and are not allowed to go to the mall alone. Obsessed with health, these people have more vitamins in their closet than the GNC warehouse, but their daughters will get six rounds of Gardasil. Have not had sex without a condom since 1989 and take an AIDS test every year even if they haven't had sex. You never know; transmission through toilet seats has not been disproved. 

Pluto in Libra (1971-82), sometimes called Gen X, is deeply concerned with fairness, equality, and justice, which usually means getting married and going to enough weddings to open a secondhand dress shop with their diversity of unusually colored wedding party outfits. The men finally broke down and bought a tux, or considered it seriously. Men and women are equal. Gays and straights are equal. Willing to take a backseat in the relationship because "I will make this relationship work!" Everyone has the right and responsibility to get married. This is the new civil rights movement. Meanwhile, Roe v. Wade is being washed out from under their feet, birth control is about to become illegal, feminism exists only in certain classes on college campuses, and Guantanamo Bay is still in business, but that's all okay as long as everyone has the right to get married—unless that means getting married to more than one person. Obsessed with perfect looks, they have never been seen with a zit, and will spend hours getting ready to go out; but it's not for anyone else—it's "just for me." Females have never left the house without a bra plus three extra layers on. The men make excellent single dads but their daughters will all be hell on wheels.

Pluto in Scorpio (1982-95), sometimes called the Millennials, does not believe in privacy. There's no such thing. Nothing is taboo. Lady Gaga is their hero, and they're the only ones who understand her. They cannot be more than five minutes away from social networking, and cannot do anything without their parents knowing about it. They are comforted that mom follows their every Tweet. Will take a lower-paying job with a longer commute that allows them to check Facebook, which for them is a verb. Everything must be interactive. Not afraid of ghosts. Older members of this generation used to practice telepathy in school, till texting came along. They used to have sex, till sexting came along. Aware of the deeper, darker side of human nature, they are convinced that the world is evil, so there's no point doing anything about it. Everything is fucked. The government is fucked. The corporations are fucked. The environment is fucked. Everyone is going to get cancer, so who cares what we do or what we eat. Sex has three settings—the purity ring, hooking up, and total commitment, which they think is stupid because sex is natural and everyone is really bisexual. But sex can also kill you, so it's better to talk about it than to actually do it. Did not go to prom; went to purity ball instead, escorted by their Pluto in Virgo father.

Pluto in Sagittarius (1995-2008) cannot spend more than 90 seconds away from social media. These kids are okay with everything, because that's how the world is—there's a lot of everything so you may as well be okay with it. There's always a reason to be optimistic and that alone can get things done. We all live in one world so we should all be able to get along, and we can change the world if we want to. They know that if you believe something, that makes it true. Everything is already spiritual so who needs religion? Expect these children to want to do middle school in Santiago or Fiji. They are the ones being trained for jobs that don't exist yet, which may involve working alongside extraterrestrials, for which they are perfectly suited. 

Toddlers with Pluto in Capricorn (2008-23) are already planning how to undermine the structure of your household, the neighborhood association, and the local municipal government, so keep all your bank records, checkbooks, etc., under lock and key, and carry the key with you at all times. For your own safety, don't keep your money in a TARP bailout bank. Block them from reading news websites; they won't care about porno. Don't reveal any sensitive information. Expect a call from the daycare that they started a campaign to get the director fired. Forget about toy trucks; start saving up for a real bulldozer, excavator, or, maybe a wrecking ball. They will be old enough to drive and operate heavy equipment by the time they're seven. They will make their fortunes mining abandoned 20th-century garbage dumps.

Future children with Pluto in Aquarius (2023-43) will be the first generation of humans who are fully network compatible. Genetically modified to have nanotechnology in their blood from birth, none of these children will be conceived sexually; they will be generated in fetus farms to custom specifications. Born with an IP address rather than a Social Security number, they will give new meaning to the phrase "I'm a Mac." It will be deeply disappointing when they are finally "born" only to discover that they no longer have any rights—except to marry a cyborg, which was generously guaranteed for them decades earlier by the Pluto in Libra generation. Ultimately, however, they will be against computers and revolt against their origins, and their motto will be "Opt out, log off, shut down." This is going to piss off their parents no end, who by that point will be waging a pointless cyber-war against some developing country that has banned Facebook and refuses to join the global effort to stop climate change. 

Future children with Pluto in Pisces (2043-66) will be the first generation indistinguishable from God. They are the children of God, one with God, part of God, and God is part of them. God is sex. They will recite nursery rhymes about quantum field theory and take field trips in black holes. These children will exist simultaneously on several dimensions, and don't need babysitters because they're one with God. Whereas children of previous generations had lemonade stands, some of these children will form successful cults by the time they're 11 years old. War will be banned in their lifetimes.

Future children with Pluto in Aries (2066-95) will give new meaning to the term Me Generation, winning the legal right to marry themselves. They will be the second-most narcissistic generation in the history of humanity, deeply envious of their great-great-great-grandparents. Old books by Wayne Dyer and Werner Erhard will sell for $5,000 (not inflation adjusted). They will wage a civil rights movement for the right to fight in wars, repealing the ban passed by their Pluto in Pisces predecessors. This will be the time of the Second Coming of Heracles and the reincarnation of Patton. They will become despondent and require years of therapy when they discover that the Pluto in Leo generation they admire so greatly was against war, and even managed to stop one.

Future children with Pluto in Taurus (2095-27) will be the ones who stubbornly survive and repopulate the Earth after Pluto in Aries has come through. Sex ban will be repealed. Language will disappear.

Future children with Pluto in Gemini (2127-57) will reinvent language based on words originally known only to one pair of twins. They will go on to reinvent psychotherapy, following in the footsteps of their Pluto in Gemini forebears.

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