Bookstores nowadays devote many shelves to health, often including a section highlighting women’s health. But a section on men’s health is a rarity, and sparsely populated: A bookstore I recently visited had one lonely volume, about the prostate. Surely there’s more to be said?
In this article—the first of two—I’ve asked a few of the Hudson Valley’s men to share some thoughts about men’s health issues from a holistic viewpoint, based on the work they do with men and their own experience. This piece touches on topics of mind, heart, and spirit, with humble apologies for leaving out (for want of publication space) diverse other facets of a man’s wellness. The second article, in the August issue, will address men’s physical health.
A MAN'S WORLD
One of my men friends occasionally confesses he simply has no idea what phrases like “finding one’s true self” and “looking inward” mean. He’s a successful professional, a husband and father, and a generous man. His life has been productive, financially rewarding, and generally satisfying. But more recently, in his elder years, an anxiety is building, and he’s become curious about a different kind of happiness. And while younger men increasingly are seeking self-awareness and personal growth, many in this society still agree that success in the work world, as my friend sought foremost, and providing for themselves and their families in monetary and material ways, is paramount.
“There is still an ethos today in men that part of being a man is taking care of one’s business,” says Chris Kadison, an MA in clinical psychology and MAC in private practice at the Woodstock Therapy Center. “We still tend to define ourselves in terms of what we do rather than who we are. A lot of that is our occupations.” Kadison points out that the current economic milieu, which has cost many men their jobs, savings, benefits, and/or expendable income, is exacerbating the anxiety men carry about being successful. “Even those of us who are still employed have more anxiety about keeping our jobs, and it reaches across the socioeconomic spectrum. There is a general tendency in the whole country toward hunkering down.”
David Basch, a professional certified coach and consultant based the Hudson Valley and in New York City, concurs. “It’s important to a man to feel productive, in the sense of having a purpose, and to feel self-sufficient and powerful. Women may have this too, but it’s especially so for men.” A man who has lost his job or financial security, or who can’t be sure he’ll be able to provide for his family as he wishes, has been wounded at the core of self-worth. He is dealing with a loss on several levels, including one of identity—whether he recognizes it and talks about it, or doesn’t.
LOSS AS GROWTH
It may sound like a female thing to say “Loss teaches you to grow, and can lead to greater happiness,” but men who have been through the process also say it happens—usually because an all-out crisis forced them into it. The loss of employment, of a loved one, of one’s own health, or even of a retirement portfolio can derail a career-oriented identity onto a different, and ultimately more fulfilling, track. “We don’t grow when we’re comfortable,” says Basch. “It’s in the face of change that all the opportunity for growth occurs. It’s a great place to be.” Basch himself left a successful Madison Avenue career in advertising. “I was finally asking the proverbial question, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’”
Loss, change, emotional parcours—few people of either gender rush to experience these things, but men especially aren’t keen to grapple with them. Grieving may be involved, in its several stages, any of which can be difficult waters to navigate. “Grief is how we relate to loss or the anticipation of losing something we care about,” says Kadison. The stages of grief as described by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, from her work with terminally ill patients, are denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Kadison describes them briefly, as follows.
“The first reaction, denial, includes emotional numbness and magical thinking—that if I don’t believe it, it’s going to get better. It’s a normal and healthy reaction to any psychological trauma, since denial serves as a buffer against letting in the full shock of the reality, giving us time to make a shift so that we can absorb it. The next stage is characterized as bargaining. We try to make changes, bargaining with ourselves, or God, or loved ones—anything that might mitigate or reverse the loss.” When bargaining fails to alter the reality of a loss, we typically reach a stage of anger. “We want to blame someone,” says Kadison, “but who? Blame can be turned inward and result in depression and acting inward, or acting outward—such as in violent or manipulative behaviors, or patterns of addictive consumption. We’re trying to fill an unfillable hole. If the situation doesn’t respond like we wish, the next stage is depression—the two H words: helpless and hopeless.” It may take the help of a counselor, friend, mentor, or other resources to move through any of these stages to reach the last one, acceptance of the loss.
“Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like what happened,” Kadison says. “It means it is what it is, and it isn’t going away. We can hate something and still be in acceptance of it. Acceptance implies passivity, but what I’m trying to express is more active, where we reconstitute ourselves around the loss and gain the courage to embrace the change instead of walling off against it.”
SAYING YES TO HELP
When things get tough, it’s more likely that a man will try to tough it out on his own than seek help. “We tend to cocoon ourselves up,” says Kadison. “We want to tough it out and hope things get better. And even though I think gender differences are flattening out, one of the enduring things is that women still find it easier to reach out for help. They still find it easier to relate to people, to get nourishment from their peers, and to communicate their pain.”
Basch’s clients are mostly women, and he finds that some men are reluctant to tell others that they have a coach. “There’s a stigma to getting help,” he says. “It sounds like they aren’t as strong and self-sufficient. But you can’t do it alone. By ourselves, men especially, we keep doing the same thing over and over. We keep thinking it’s going to change somehow. We get stuck in a point of view and aren’t willing to try something different.”
Someone who is stuck in a frustrating or debilitating situation usually asserts that what they think is the truth, says Bausch. He helps them see that their thinking is actually a point of view. “Then I can help them create alternative points of view and we can play a little game and say, ‘If you have that point of view, what would you do?’ You can create a new plan—what you are going to do and when [you are going to do it]. When you have the help of a coach, it holds people accountable for the plan.” And when men do get this help, they can dismantle stuck patterns. “When they do that, they discover who they are in the world, and see that it’s not just about the goals themselves—being more successful, making more money—whatever they are, but something deeper.” Basch adds that most often the underlying issue behind problems is relationships, even if it seems to be about something else.
TRANSFORMING ANGER
Both genders deal with anger, of course, but men more often get into trouble because of it. Robert Fanshel, a LCSWR in Kingston, runs 10-week anger-management groups through the Mental Health Association, in which about half the men are mandated by city court to participate because of behavior issues; the rest are there voluntarily. “Maybe they have trouble at work with the boss,” says Fanshel, “or they can’t control their temper with the kids, or their wife tells them they fly off the handle quickly.” A fundamental trigger for anger, says Fanshel, is when something feels like it was personal, even when it wasn’t. “Rather than seeing it as just an annoyance or difficulty, taking it personally can turn a small matter into a big one, which gives a reason to lose control.”
Fanshel teaches the concept, based on cognitive behavior research, that feelings can’t be controlled, but our response to them—one’s behavior—can be. “The group is designed to give people some useful techniques to turn to when they notice that they’re becoming angry,” says Fanshel. “It’s a very workable model, easy to understand. It just takes some practice. People tell me that it really has helped them.” Part of the strategy is to recognize anger coming on, and to choose behaviors that derail the momentum. “Once they are aware that they are getting angry, they take some kind of action to settle down, usually a breathing technique. Then they can think more clearly.” In the sessions, men talk about instances where they’ve become angry or lost control of behavior, and look at what their internal dialogue had been. “It gives people a chance to get used to the new ideas and see how they can get them into operation,” says Fanshel.
Kadison runs a 36-week group in Kingston to address domestic violence, through the Evolve program,cosponsored by Family of Woodstock—one of the oldest programs of its kind, which emerged in the 1970s. “It’s not just about physical violence, but also about control issues and emotional abuse. Many have learned this from their families of origin and want to break that cycle. For those of us who really become engaged on a regular basis with anger, it must have worked at some point in our lives, or we’ve seen it work for others. It can become a destructive addiction in itself.” Some group participants come voluntarily, but others are there in lieu of doing jail time, which Kadison says is controversial. “Many people think these men are in patterns beyond redemption. But the group of peers holds each other accountable. That’s our philosophy. The guys that finish credit us for turning their lives around.” Kadison emphasizes that anger can be a powerful motivational tool for personal growth and change. “It can help us get off our asses and do the kind of work that needs to get done.”
MEN SUPPORTING MEN
Some men are discovering the power of an age-old tradition: men supporting men through talking circles. David Brownstein, director of Wild Earth Wilderness School in New Paltz, is leading two such groups based on his several-year training in the 50:50 Helper program led by local luminaries Bert and Moira Shaw. “It is with their blessing,” he says reverently, “that I hold these men’s circles. It’s vitally important that we be sitting together in circles, so that we start to form a community of men relating to each other and supporting each other. We try to be self-sufficient, which can be a flaw in some ways, and it creates the illusion of ‘I’m alone.’ But when we can face our demons and questions in the presence of other men, it destroys the illusion. Just knowing you’re not alone is incredible—it’s like you’ve been holding your breath and can start breathing again.”
Brownstein guides men on a journey that begins with self-awareness and moves through self-acceptance, imagining a new future, and creating that future through the power of intention. “We create a very safe space, where we can express unhappiness, see our reflections in each other, and see our similarities. Then we can begin to look at our behavior and the ongoing patterns we engage in, and move toward acceptance of that without judgment. You can slowly try new ways of doing things. Old patterns will come up again, and you’ll be dissatisfied again, but you begin to think, ‘I’ll try it a little differently next time.’ When you do, you find you’re more satisfied. And when we speak of intention—what we want in our lives—there is more power to it in the presence of other men. You know those men have got your back, so you can go for what you want. You do that for each other.”
The acceptance piece of the process includes recognizing that life’s circumstances aren’t going to be perfect, but that it’s possible to be happy anyway. This is where the “50:50” comes in. “Life is both challenging and easy, wonderful and sad,” explains Brownstein. “When we accept that, we don’t have unrealistic expectations, and transformation is possible. You start to create the life you want, and can be open to divine intuition—a spiritual dimension. Then you become really happy.”
As powerful and beneficial as they are, men’s groups are not nearly as common as women’s groups—yet. “The thought of relating to one another is not a high priority for men,” says Brownstein. “But once they start coming, they see it as an additional piece of the circle that supports them as a husband, a father, a boss, an employee, and as a role model in the community. But we have to break down a lot of barriers in the process. A man must first recognize he’s not happy, or feels lonely, or worthless, despite achieving the goals of having money, and a great car, and taking great vacations—you have to question the premise that money will equal happiness.”
Our current economic problems may have the unexpected benefit of pushing men toward deeper self-discovery and a better balance of mind, heart, and spirit. Rather than being yet another solitary struggle, that journey can be an adventure of shared wisdom and companionship with other men.