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What’s Your (Pluto) Sign? 

Planet Waves

click to enlarge JEAN-LUC BOZZOLI
  • Jean-Luc Bozzoli

Twenty twelve is going to be a big year for Pluto. This is the year of the Uranus-Pluto square you may have heard about, an aspect that is going to make the next few years feel a lot like the 1960s. This won't just be Pluto; it will be the rare combination of Uranus and Pluto.

That said, in recent years, in part thanks to the proliferation of astrology on the Internet, celebrating one's "Pluto tribe" has become a thing, and I'm not sure it's a good thing but it exists and there's nothing we can really do about it. At least it's better to have accurate information available.

I recognize some limits on what I'm proposing here in terms of race, class, and country; these interpretations would probably not work well for people living in Sweden or South Africa, but then you never know. That said, let's consider the basic properties of Pluto through the signs, starting with Pluto in Cancer. Anyone offended by anything I'm saying can take it up with Pluto. I am merely reporting the facts.

Pluto in Cancer (1912-37) was the greatest generation; there will never be a greater generation and anyone who comes after them who thinks there might be is sadly mistaken. This generation was so great that Pluto did them the honor of being discovered in the sign Cancer. "The Star Spangled Banner" was written just for them; Francis Scott Key knew they were coming. The family is everything, except for the church, God, and country. Ultimate goal was to become an Eagle Scout and work for General Motors or IBM. Still saving for their child's PhD, even though their child has retired. They are "still there" for them. Proud of their children even though so many refused to join the Army, and the ones that did lost the Vietnam War. It wasn't really their fault. Eventually, we'll win another war. Still get nervous when making a long-distance telephone call. Unconsciously flips through the channels at 7 p.m. looking for Walter Cronkite, but after an hour, keeps finding Bill O'Reilly. Patiently waiting for the next Moon landing. Still astonished that appliances no longer come with a protective dust cover, and that you cannot order one even if you're willing to pay.  

Pluto in Leo (1937-56) holds both copyright and patent to the term "baby," including use in Baby Boomer™ and "Hey, baby." Seventy is the new 40. This generation is so liberal that they're conservative or so conservative that they are complete freaks. Home of the pot-smoking, guitar-playing Republican and the vegan, puritanical Democrat who has not had a drink since 1977. Vitamin C is still the cure for everything. In their day, they didn't change the world; they were so cool, the world changed for them. Cool is what counts. What they say is cool is what is cool until they say it isn't cool anymore. Any music recorded after 1970 is terrible unless they say otherwise. Tea Party conservatism is the new peace and love. There are a few who I call The Redeemers who want to dust off their activist Girl Scout merit badge sash and join the Occupy movement, or get involved because they missed their chance the first time around. Once tried an open marriage, but went back to getting divorced because it was simpler. Ultimate possession is an SUV with a Greenpeace sticker on it (or a Harley). Still has original AOL address from 1998. Starts a blog just to see how many hits it's possible to get. Ruined astrology by asking "What's your sign?" several thousand times too many. Many now live on a steady diet of Prozac, Viagra, and porno.

Pluto in Virgo (1956-71) is between the Baby Boomers™ and Gen X, not as idealistic as the Boomers and not as cynical as Gen X. Materialism is cool, as long as it's for a practical purpose. They remain trapped in extremely well-organized cubicles, spending years developing branding and marketing campaigns. Among the first programmers of the commercial Internet, they still say the word "computer" and mean it. Activists among them send around email petitions, or even start an online petition service. They're too busy to come to the protest, but they support it in principle and watch from the 30th-floor window. They will change the system from within. They're terrified to let their kids do any of the things that they did. They had sex, drugs and rock-and-roll (which their children are not allowed to know about). Their kids are growing up on supervised playdates and are not allowed to go to the mall alone. Obsessed with health, these people have more vitamins in their closet than the GNC warehouse, but their daughters will get six rounds of Gardasil. Have not had sex without a condom since 1989 and take an AIDS test every year even if they haven't had sex. You never know; transmission through toilet seats has not been disproved. 

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