 Peri Rainbow, Cecilia Rainbow-Sloan, & Tamela Sloan |
Peri Rainbow has a lot of experience with families. In her 20 years as a clinician and educator in the field of psychological trauma, she has seen the best and the worst of what a family can be. Not to mention the fact that her own youth was less than ideal; as a victim of sexual abuse, she matter-of-factly describes herself as a trauma survivor. Through all of it, counseling people who were abused as children, working with victims of sexual assault, teaching and training others to work in the field, and advocating for social change around these issues, Peri has not lost her faith in family. The goal of her work is to help people function well as adults despite coming out of bad family experiences.
Now, having spent the last three years doing the legal legwork necessary for a lesbian couple to get married and adopt a child, Peri and her partner, Tamela Sloan, are ready to talk about how the legal system discriminates against homosexuals and how it has affected their own efforts to create a family.
While the debate about same-sex marriage in the US has risen to an election-year fever pitch, there's no denying the fact that today's family clearly reflects a changing society. Despite the fact that same-sex marriage was voted down in the 11 states that featured it as a ballot initiative, the reality is that non-traditional families exist in ever-increasing numbers. There is a deep divide in the United States today over how to define family.
Regardless of one's politics, the numbers make it clear that the 1960s "ideal" of Mom, Dad, and 2.2 kids no longer represents the average family. In the 2000 census, only 24 percent of homes with children were composed of a married mother and father with children living at home. In 2003, 10 percent of the couples in the US were unmarried; just under 1 percent of couples (or approximately 600,000) are same-sex. Another commonly cited figure is that between 6 and 10 million children have at least one homosexual parent, according to the American Bar Association.
Peri always knew she wanted to be a mother. Part of it came from working with people who didn't have much to offer as parents, but were having babies anyway. "I thought, 'I could do that, and I could do it better,'" she explains. She wanted to give a child the kind of home that she herself had always fantasized about.
In 1998, Peri decided she was ready to create her own family. Being a lesbian, and single at the time, she knew that giving birth to her own child, rather than adopting, was a way to avoid having to answer any questions about her lifestyle or suitability for parenthood. Peri spent several years trying to get pregnant using artificial insemination, without success.
She also considered live sperm donors, with caution, carefully considering whether each potential donor was someone that she actually wanted to be connected with for the rest of a child's life. She knew that it was not unheard of to have custody issues with a sperm donor after a child is born, and wanted to take all possible steps to avoid such a problem. For a variety of reasons, none of the possible donors worked out.
After several years of unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy, Peri began to explore adoption.
Adoption is not a simple procedure. By the time they have a child, parents of adopted children have, by the nature of the process, undergone scrutiny of a type never directed at parents planning to give birth to a child.
Adoption is not a civil right; it is a privilege granted by state law. Each state has its own procedures, but generally the adoption process requires social workers from state agencies to conduct interviews of prospective parents and do a home study to ensure that the child will be going to a suitable physical and emotional environment. These interviews can be intrusive, covering personal financial issues, probing the state and stability of the relationship into which a child will be placed, and examining parents' legal and psychological history.
 “She wakes up dancing”: Cecilia Rainbow-Sloan |
International adoption has become a common route for prospective adoptive parents who don't want to deal with public agencies while adopting, or want to circumvent the long wait to adopt a US-born infant—which can often take up to five years. Out of approximately 120,000 children adopted in each of the past five years, somewhere between 10 percent and 15 percent of those children come from another country.
There is a growing acceptance of gays and lesbians as appropriate adoptive parents in the US and several European countries. However, homosexuals seeking to adopt a child from Asia or South and Central America generally do so as single parents, as most of the countries will not place a child with a same-sex couple. Once the child is under the legal custody of one member of the couple, they can then pursue a second-parent adoption.
Peri decided international adoption was a good alternative, and she settled on adopting a Cambodian baby. She began doing all the legwork; went through interviews by the INS, FBI, and New York State Department of Health; found an adoption agency to work with; had home visits to assure her suitability as a parent; and researched Web sites where she could see pictures of babies who were up for adoption.
Peri expanded her idea of what her family would be when she and Tamela, whom she had met at a professional conference in the early '90s, became seriously involved in 1999. Tamela, who had traveled extensively as a filmmaker, decided she was ready for a different type of work—something that would allow her to settle down with Peri.
She realized she wanted to work with troubled adolescents, kids with a background similar to her own. "I had been placed in a home, I had been arrested," Tamela says ruefully. "I never believed I could have all the things I have now. That's my draw to working with these kids: to let them know that they can do it and anything is possible—just look at me." Her first job in the field was at the Children's Home of Poughkeepsie, a private residential facility that would have been described as an orphanage 50 years ago.
By 2000, Tamela knew she had found the right career and had begun a Masters program at SUNY New Paltz in Humanistic Multicultural Education (the same program Peri had earned her degree from, and now one of the departments she's teaching courses for).
In 2001, Tamela and Peri decided to formalize their commitment to each other. Had they been a heterosexual couple, they would simply have gotten married, but as lesbians, that avenue was not available. Peri spoke to her rabbi, Jonathan Kligler of the Woodstock Jewish Congregation, to see if he would help them in recognizing their family in the eyes of the community. He had some reservations, but they had nothing to do with blessing a same-sex union. Rabbi Kligler's concern was that Tamela wasn't Jewish. After meeting with her, he was comfortable that she was committed to keeping the Jewish faith and wanted to proceed with the wedding.
His one request was that he wanted the union to be as meaningful and mutually supportive and binding as a heterosexual marriage with as many of the incumbent rights and responsibilities as possible. Peri and Tamela set about to do the best they could to create the legal ties that are offered automatically by marriage.
Since they couldn't have a civil marriage in New York, they went to Vermont for a Civil Union ceremony. And, as if planning a wedding wasn't stressful enough, they hired an attorney to duplicate the legal rights that come with a civil marriage in New York.
They found a sympathetic spirit in Douglas Wolf, a Woodstock lawyer who practices family law and also handles a lot of real estate law. Wolf had never "constructed" a legal marriage for a same-sex couple, but he was happy to do the work.
In the end, Peri and Tamela spent approximately $5,000 on establishing such rights as powers of attorney, legal proxies, and living wills. With these documents, Peri and Tamela could legally act on each other's behalf with reference to financial, health care, and other matters over which spouses normally have rights. These are things that most people don't have to do when they stand before a representative of the State of New York and tie the knot; they are rights automatically conferred by marriage. Peri's voice is thick with emotion as she describes this inequality as discrimination and a violation of her civil rights. "We share our finances, we've bought our house, made our life together, and we're still not recognized as a legal couple."
To support their legal standing, the couple was married at the Woodstock Jewish Congregation in September of 2001 and had about 150 friends come and celebrate their wedding.
 Cecilia survived years of neglect and abuse before being adopted by Tamela and Peri |
Cecilia had a heartbreaking history of severe abuse and neglect combined with almost three years in the foster care system. She had physical issues as a result of the gross maltreatment she had suffered, and was barely socialized in some ways (Peri mentioned, for example, that Cecilia didn't know any nursery rhymes). Tamela carried no illusions about the effect abuse has on children's long-term prospects, but she also knew this girl needed a loving home and she was convinced that she and Peri were the right ones to provide it.
Peri had no intention of adopting a six-year-old child; she wanted an infant. But after meeting Cecilia, Peri started to reconsider her objections.
Peri and Tamela were aware of what they might be in for, as children with Cecilia's history can be difficult, at best. But, as they spent time together, Peri was sure they were the right parents for Cecilia. With all of their training and experience, and as a trauma survivor herself, Peri felt it could be a good match.
So they began the process of adopting. Doug Wolf advised them that New York State has no legal restrictions on same-sex couples adopting. Wolf had already assisted a handful of gay and lesbian couples in their adoptions, and welcomed the opportunity to work with Peri and Tamela. They knew the adoption process would be intrusive, but they were prepared to meet all the requirements and Doug Wolf gave them reason to feel confident of its outcome. (It's not uncommon for it to take up to a year to complete the required parenting coursework and undergo all of the home visits and interviews required to become approved as a foster or pre-adoption home. Peri and Tamela completed the adoption in about seven months.)
Almost anyone who has been through an adoption will tell you that it was a harrowing experience. It's not a natural thing to have every aspect of your life examined, and it is certainly not what happens to people who give birth to their children. But because they were a lesbian couple, Peri and Tamela were subjected to additional questions that heterosexual couples don't have to answer. "Will you kiss in front of your daughter?" "Will you try to influence your daughter's sexual orientation?" The unspoken preference seemed to be that the child grow up heterosexual despite the fact that research cited by such child-welfare agencies as the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and the Child Welfare League of America has consistently shown that children of same-sex couples are no more likely to grow up homosexual than children of heterosexual couples.
They had begun considering adoption in November. Cecilia had started overnight visits at their house in December, and by June, she had moved in. All that remained was the final decision from Columbia County.
Peri and Tamela describe Cecilia's entry into their lives as amazingly easy. Says Peri, "She's not a difficult child. She's not hyperactive, she's very agreeable. Yes, she had physical problems; we helped her to understand her body and deal with them." Cecelia has also had physical therapy, speech therapy, and psychological counseling and was placed in a Special Education program. She has since mainstreamed out of the Special Ed program.
Peri describes Cecilia as a resilient person. She will always have emotional scars and, at times, dealing with those problems awakens disturbing memories in Peri, but both women say that in the two years that she has been with them, Cecelia has already brought so much joy into their lives. "She wakes up dancing," says Peri, sounding like every proud parent. "She smiles, laughs, and has a great sense of humor. She's so blessed with joy; and the joy of watching her is tremendous."
Peri says that they have spent a lot of time talking about different types of families, trying to help Cecilia understand the roles of the various people in her life. Cecilia refers to Peri as "Mama" and to Tamela as "Mom." They are her "forever" family, as distinct from her foster families, who were people who were there when she needed them.
 It took two years for Peri and Tamela to become Cecilia’s legal parents. |
Peri observes that Cecilia's family is more "traditional" than many at the school. "She lives in a two-parent home, has dinner with her family every evening, homework, and perhaps a piano lesson. She has extended family that includes four grandmothers, two grandfathers, a great-grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins."
Three months after Cecilia moved in with them, the Columbia County family court denied custody to Peri and Tamela as a couple. Margaret Donnelly, the legal representative of the Columbia County Department of Social Services, told Doug Wolf that, based on their understanding of the law, two unmarried people couldn't adopt a child (which was not necessarily the case in 2001). However, she indicated that DSS would support an application from one of the women to adopt as a single mother. What she told Peri was more pointed: she said they had never released a child to a lesbian couple and weren't going to start now. She also said that the legal documents, which refer to a child's mother and father, had been invalidated when Peri and Tamela (with the help of the Ulster County Department of Social Services) changed the terms "mother" and "father" to "parent."
"I'm a little naïve," says Tamela. "I believed that because Cecelia was in the house, I couldn't imagine that they would actually take her away." Peri, who is not as trusting as Tamela, was afraid that they would lose Cecilia. She bristled at the unfairness and lack of justification for the decision. She felt the decision was yet another case of discrimination based on her sexual preference.
Paul Mossman, Commissioner of Social Services for Columbia County, states that the agency has no policy prohibiting same-sex couples from being foster parents or adopting a child, adding, "That obviously would be discrimination." Mossman points out that since he became commissioner in 2003, he has moved to include homosexuals in the parenting certification classes the county offers. He emphasizes that his agency's goal is to place children in good homes.
Susan Sommer, Supervising Staff Attorney with Lambda Legal, a national organization working to achieve full recognition of the civil rights of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgender people, cites unofficial discrimination as one of the common barriers same-sex couples encounter during the adoption process. "It depends on who you come across in the system," she observes. State or private agency staff who are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with gay people intentionally or unintentionally violate official policy by expressing their personal bias. She adds, "It's not the way official policy is meant to be."
Peri's first reaction was to sue Columbia County for discrimination. Her second reaction was that the most important thing was to secure Cecilia's adoption. The couple asked Doug Wolf his advice on the best way to proceed. Issues of fairness aside, he advised that rather than suing, which would be time consuming and have an unsure outcome, they proceed with just Peri as the adoptive parent. He moved (successfully) to have the petition heard in Ulster County, a more sympathetic court.
What this meant was that Peri would adopt Cecilia first, and then they'd have to go through all the legal proceedings again so Tamela could co-adopt. This is the same process homosexuals use when one is the birth parent of a child and they want to establish legal custody by the other member of the couple. As with their marriage, Peri and Tamela would have to invest additional time and duplicate expenses that would not have been necessary if they had rights as a married couple.
It took almost another year, but as of October 2002 Peri and Tamela were both Cecilia's legal parents. Cecilia's last name is legally Rainbow-Sloan, and both women are in the process of changing their names so the whole family has the same surname.
Not every issue has been resolved by legal work-arounds: their health insurance situation is unnecessarily complicated by the fact that they cannot get married. Peri, as a SUNY New Paltz employee, included Cecilia on her health insurance under the Family option. If Tamela were her legal spouse, she would be included as well, but to cover a domestic partner, Peri would have to make prohibitively expensive supplementary payments. So Tamela's health insurance is separate from the rest of the family.
 Tamela and Peri fought and won for the right to a family. |
Now that Cecilia Rainbow-Sloan is securely and legally a member of their family Peri and Tamela feel it's important to make the world aware of the legal obstacles they encountered in forming a family.
Tamela expressed frustration that there are so many same-sex couples spending thousands of dollars to find international children to adopt when there are hundreds of kids here in our back yard that could be available. She wanted people to know how they had succeeded and to benefit from their efforts.
Peri's work includes advocating publicly on a variety of social issues, but she admits she finds it difficult to speak out on her own behalf. She has come forward to talk about her situation now because she hopes it is a step towards righting the injustices suffered by same-sex couples. She expresses some bitterness about the fact that she has spent the last 20 years working to help people, contributing to the community, and trying to make it a more equitable place when, at the same time, she has been discriminated against by members of the same community. Peri is fearful of what the future will bring given President Bush's re-election and renewal of support for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage.
Not that she doesn't appreciate her life as it is now. "I have everything in the world I've always wanted—not too many people can say that, so I know I'm very lucky." Peri and Tamela know that not everyone can afford to go through what they did, and they hope their story will be a step in the direction of insuring equal protection for all people under the law, regardless of sexual preference.
But until the laws change, gay and lesbian couples will have to expend the additional energy, money, and creativity that Peri and Tamela did to form a legal union and create a family.