New Paltz Offers Custom-Contaminated Rooms
Responding to an ever-increasing demand for its toxic dormitories, SUNY New Paltz is now offering custom-contaminated rooms to its students. Sophomores and higher will be given priority for this service, and, for a cost of $500 extra per semester, a student may choose the exact proportions of supertoxins they desire in their living environment.
Until recently, students who lived in dorms damaged in the infamous 1991 chemical fires on the campus had no idea what toxins they were getting, or how much. “This is seen as a breakthrough for consumer rights,” the Oracle student newspaper said in a recent editorial.
Custom combinations of dioxins, furans, benzene, dioxin-like PCBs, and ordinary PCBs will be available for students to choose from. Thanks to a new contract with the New York State Department of Health, the campus is able to offer rare and exotic polychlorinated quaterphenyls, the previous existence of which at New Paltz was only rumored.
“Everyone knows our buildings are toxic,” said Karen Cowtaw, director of Campus Residence Life. “We want our students to know exactly what they’re getting. So now they can actually choose.” Bliss and Scudder halls will be devoted to dioxins and Capen and Gage halls will be reserved mainly for PCBs, but there will be some overlap because so many PCBs actually mimic the toxicity of dioxin.
Health officials usually recommend the lighter-chlorinated PCBs such as Monsanto’s Aroclor 1016, but strongly suggest opting for the heavier dioxins such as OCDD (octochlorinated dibenzo-para-dioxin), which provides the full satisfaction of a supertoxin but is less damaging to the endocrine system. “OCDD is practically good for you,” said one high-ranking county health official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “Even fetuses just love it. But don’t leave it out in the sun.”
Dr. Blarney Stone, the maverick state scientist who assisted in revealing the broad extent of contamination in Gage Hall in 1994, said, “It’s a great idea as long as nobody living there plans to have kids. But if you don’t mind birth defects, you have nothing to worry about.”
All the chemicals that will be applied to the dorms are certified as pure by a New York State-endorsed lab. Beginning in the fall of 2007, there will also be a corresponding custom nutritional toxins program offered by Food Service.
Upon checking into their dorms, all students will also be issued a free copy of the seminal work Our Stolen Future by Dr. Theodore Colborn.
Scooter Libby Sentenced to 10 Years on Fox
Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 10 years as a reality show host on Fox News. Prosecutors and Fox producers are still working out the details, but the show is expected to be a smash hit from its first season.
Libby, a former vice presidential aide, was convicted last month of lying to federal prosecutors and a grand jury during the investigation into the Valerie Plame-Wilson spy-outing affair, and will begin serving his sentence as soon as sponsors are signed on. The most likely at this point are Halliburton and the Carlyle Group, though American Airlines has expressed a strong interest.
“We feel the punishment fits the crime,” said Patrick Fitzgerald, the Republican special counsel and impresario who got Libby convicted. “He’s a talented liar, we give him credit for that. It’s just too bad he lied to us. But lying to the public is perfectly legal. And they will love it. He’s actually a very entertaining liar,” said Fitzgerald. “I credit myself with having discovered him.”
One proposal for the program calls for the scene to be in an ancient Roman court, where Libby must act the part of an advisor to the emperor, who is suffering from lead poisoning. It will be a story of intrigue, treachery, and betrayal. Special guests will include Oliver North, the star of a previous reality show called “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly,” and Noam Chomsky, who will whisper carefully chosen bits of political philosophy into Libby’s ear as a form of legal torture.
Libby’s program will appear opposite “Countdown with Keith Olbermann” weeknights at 8pm, which Fox officials hoped would be devastating to the ratings of their nemesis.
In an alternate version of the program, Libby will be locked into a house with various pundits, who will engage in a hard game of obscuring the facts and distorting reality in an effort to protect the administration. Libby also has a short list of disloyal intelligence operatives that he will expose. Fitzgerald would, under this scenario, make several appearances on the program the first season. Libby and several congressional representatives will also spend a week locked into the house with Plame-Wilson and her husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson IV. “The public will watch them get to know one another as men, not just as adversaries,” said a Fox spokesman.
Petty Tyrants Conference Coming to Mohonk
The American Association of Petty Tyrants, or AAPT, will be holding its annual meeting at Mohonk Preserve in September. The national organization, formed in the wake of the September 11 events, will bring at least 1,000 uptight tourists to the area for a week of fun and control.
The week of the conference, local speed limits will be reduced by 5 mph without corrections being made to road signs, and New Paltz will double its road patrols. Local bars will be participating in the festivities by closing their doors at 1 am, and stores will arbitrarily refuse to accept returned items, such as defective flashlights. A number of restaurants will assist by refusing to provide water without ice to customers.
AAPT members include certain distinguished school administrators, rent-a-cops of the rank of corporal and above, assistant managers, distinguished land surveyors, and chronic litigants in civil lawsuits. AAPT also accepts freelance petty tyrants as long as they pass a qualifying exam, conducted once every 10 years.
At the conference, several of the attendees will be elevated to grand tyrant, which will make them eligible for the World Tyrant Excellence Competition, to be held in Washington, DC, next year.
Sex Co-Op Finally Opens in High Falls
After a very long discussion and much planning, the High Falls Sex Co-Op opened April 1, providing a source of easily available, wholesome nookie for the Hudson Valley community. Members will volunteer four hours per month at the new co-op, providing a diversity of services from erotic massage to talking dirty. Believed to be the first such experiment of its kind in the United States, the co-op was featured in USA Today last week.
“Everyone will be vegan and organically certified,” said Rainbow Raven Bear, the co-founder of the co-op. “We want to give people a pure service. And not only that, they have to be friendly, unless of course they specialize in the bitch or asshole fetish.” Raven Bear said that most of the organization’s volunteers are bisexual, which will provide greater flexibility and opportunity for the uninitiated to have their first same-sex erotic experience in a safe environment.
The sex co-op concept goes back 10 years to a Scorpio birthday party in Tillson, where it was unanimously agreed that more sex in the community was necessary.
“Everyone is always trying to get sex, but nobody seems to want to give it,” said Varuna Indra Mithra, who was at the original party and helped brainstorm the concept the night of the Taurus Full Moon in 1997. “The idea is simple—qualified people volunteer to give organic sex for four hours a month, and if you do the math, you will see that it won’t take long before everyone gets laid regularly.”
The co-op will feature a bookshelf with titles such as The Ethical Slut and Vestal Secrets: My Life as a Sacred Whore, as well as an herbal section with various tinctures such as canchalagua, horny goat weed, yohimbe, and onions.
Certain oral delicacies will also be offered. In addition, there will be sex discussion groups held several times a week, as well as feature films on the bonobo chimpanzees, promptly followed by an organic group masturbation ritual. For those adjusting to monogamous life, one weekend a month will be reserved for strictly one-on-one casual sex.
Find Your Soul’s True Greed Workshop
Spiritual Greed Intensive will be coming to the Siddhartha Ashram of Eclectic Buddhism in Loch Sheldrake, in mystical Sullivan County, later this summer. Taught by Gurumore, who is a big hit in New Delhi and Los Angeles, the Living True Greed Truly seminar will help enable participants to balance the demands of being highly spiritual and simultaneously deeply materialistic.
“This takes more than slapping a Greenpeace sticker on your Hummer,” said Swami Attachinanda, who will assist the Master in offering the divine teaching. “Stretching one’s soul between the arrogance of greed and the humility of the spiritual life presents a rare opportunity for embracing contradictions and thus resolving karma,” he added.
Gurumore will explain the subtle differences between bigger, better, and best while preserving an atmosphere of inspired greed and chanting om shanti at the cash register.
Cooking with Your Totem Animals
Native American spiritual leaders teach that the best way to take in the energy of your totem animal is to eat it for lunch. The workshop will start with the basic recipes, such as bearburger, raven pie, wolf chow mein, and chicken noodle soup. The presenter, Chef Chief Laughing Broccoli, is the author of Endangered Fare, the leading cookbook for things like whale, alligator, and those little peeping frogs that keep disappearing all the time.
This article appears in April 2007.
