The officiant: one of the most essential components of your wedding ceremony. It’s this professional’s job that legally binds you as husband and wife; or husband and husband; or wife and wife. Either way—without them tying the knot becomes impossible. According to Right Reverend Stuart B. Chernoff—or Rev. Stu—as he’s called in the biz, to legally marry a couple, it’s as easy as simply asking “Hey, do you two want to get married?” No razzle-dazzle or fluff necessary, as long as the person posing the question meets the legal requirements—which in New York State means: being a mayor, judge, justice of the peace, or an officially ordained clergy of any religion. But with all of the legal mumbo jumbo aside, every officiant does their job differently to bring meaning and personality to your ceremony. Here, we explore the different approaches that wedding officiants take, from the downright wacky to the totally traditional.
Making it Matter
Why is the officiant so important? You may have been to a ceremony and thought, “Hey, this isn’t half-bad.” As in, this two-hour full mass hasn’t made me want to poke my eye out. It’s probably because the priest was actually pretty darn entertaining, right? On the contrary, you may have been lulled into an afternoon nap. Choosing the appropriate person to officiate your ceremony can take the day from ho-hum to completely enjoyable, all thanks to one person—many of whom choose this career simply because they get so much joy out marrying the couples who seek them out. According to Chernoff, who does approximately 50 to 70 weddings between the months of April and November, “I love marrying people. You can ask both of my ex-wives.” Joking aside, he explains that it’s the pinnacle of peoples’ lives and that, by officiating, he gets to be a part of it forever. Also, he’s not one to turn down a martini or two at the reception.
From Traditional to Totally Wacky
Just like any aspect of the wedding, from the ring to the dress, the officiant is not a “one size fits all” part of the day. Chernoff says that each couple comes to him with a different vision. “Some want the movie wedding, with the whole ‘dearly beloved’ bit.” And he happily gives them the traditional ceremony that they’ve always wanted, because those couples have waited their entire lives to hear “You may kiss the bride.” But he also gives an alternative: Some couples ask him to say, “You may kiss the groom.” Or even something more impromptu, like, “You wanna kiss? Well, what are you waiting for, already?” Many just leave it out altogether.
Creating a Personal Experience
Amy Benedict, life-cycle celebrant and ordained interfaith minister, works with couples to create a lasting memory—before their family and friends—that will inspire them for a lifetime. Most of her weddings take place in natural settings that often hold special meaning for the couple. This could run the gamut from a simple ceremony in a beloved uncle’s garden in the Berkshires to a flotilla ceremony on a sailboat surrounded by guests in canoes and kayaks. Benedict’s creative concepts have even inspired couples to reinvent a Buddhist water-blessing ceremony where they were married by candlelight on a New England farm. Whatever the concept may be, personal and specialized is a constant. Along the same vein, Reverend Puja Thomson, who was ordained as a Minister of Natural Health and Healing in the Healing Life Center Church, says that her ceremonies are unique for many different reasons: Some are humorous, while others may be sad. She listens carefully to what the couple hopes to express through their ceremony and talks with them about their values that will be reflected in the vows. During a same-sex wedding last fall, Scottish partners, who had family visiting from their homeland, came in wearing silly hats and sunglasses. And while the mood was light and full of laughs as they walked down the aisle, once the ceremony began, it was focused and heartfelt.
Stepping Outside the (Religious) Box
A Pew Research Religion & Public Life Project survey from October 2012 reveals that one-fifth of all adults and one-third of those under the age of 30 are religiously unaffiliated—the highest number today. Benedict notes that her clients are part of this growing demographic and are seeking a meaningful affair, rather than an experience at a house of worship. In addition, Chertoff says that one of the biggest changes he’s seen over the years is that couples are moving away from getting married in religious institutions, even if they are religious. “They understand that God is everywhere.” And if you’re divorced and can’t get married by a priest, he’ll happily wear a collar for you. Or a monk costume if that floats your boat. He’s been a pirate, too. According to Chertoff it’s “whatever they want.” His only rule for couples: same species.
How to Find Your Officiant
Benedict says that she takes time and really gets to know her clients, so that she can share their love story with the guests. “Every element and ritual grows out of this story and reflects the couple’s values and beliefs—their unique magic—and the hopes and dreams they hold for the future,” says Benedict. She encourages couples to check out her website so that they can get a feel for her and her practice, and offers a complimentary hour-long consultation where she and the couple sit down in person or chat via Skype. “We get to know one another and they share what they envision and possibilities for the ceremony.” For Thomson, she finds that compatibility between an officiant and the couple is an intuitive decision by both parties. She also begins by meeting the couple in person or via Skype to see if it’s a match. “After the first preliminary round of exploratory Q and As, our interaction either feels easy and natural or it doesn’t, and we all understand and appreciate the perspectives of each person present,” says Thomson. “If the trust is created, we’re compatible.” Benedict gives this advice when searching for an officiant: “You’re looking for someone who resonates with you. Someone who really ‘gets you’ and helps you to share your authentic selves—your values, your style, your hopes and dreams—with your family and friends.” She suggests finding someone who encourages you to dive in deeply to fully celebrate and honor your relationship and your marriage in all its fullness. From there, it’s really up to the couple.
From “I Do” to the Smooch
The bottom line: Weddings are a joyous occasion that are often filled with emotion (and maybe a touch of stress). With the right officiant, the day is filled with even more meaning, love, personality, and just the right amount of guidance—built for you and your new spouse. Mazel tov! Congrats! However you say it, you may kiss the bride or groom and live happily ever after.
This article appears in February 2014.
