Once again it has been rubbed in our face,
a political penis escaped from its place
a scandal, an outrage, an erectile disgrace,
this tale of a penis caught off its base.
It’s happened again, as it happened before,
a wandering penis off in search of some more.
The pundits swarm out in their pack to deplore
the politician caught while trying to score.
Clinton was my favorite I must confess,
Monica’s knee pads and the stain on her dress.
John Ensign so moral and so very pro-life,
paid his aide very well for the use of his wife.
Larry Craig taught us all an obscure Midwest dance,
the one whose first step is called a wide stance.
Mark Sanford cried tears after he’d seen her,
that was his soul mate down in Argentina.
Chris Lee trolled topless in the maze of craigslist,
and now he’s gone, but not at all missed.
John Edwards had a sordid and tragic affair,
a videographer fell in love with his hair.
Eliot Spitzer paid more than we knew a man could,
is it possible there’s a hooker that could be that good?
Eric Massa did something very hard to believe,
tickled a staffer “till he couldn’t breathe.”
Then to make sure his train was truly a wreck,
he went and explained it out loud on Glenn Beck.
Mark Foley’s fame will roll down through the ages
as the first man to be caught sexting his pages.
David Vitter represents Southern tradition,
going with hookers, then showing contrition.
Clarence Thomas deserves his very own joke,
for placing a pubic hair on the can of a Coke.
Is it the fault of the liberals, the hippies, the Jews?
repression, recession, the fault of the news?
Could we have avoided all of these dreadful disasters,
if we listened to our priests and heeded our pastors?
That sounds oh, very right, but perhaps it even worse is
as pedophiles so often make their perches in churches.
and powerful preachers have so very often lost their ways
in those closets of clothes that are kept by the gays.
The strict teaching of religion, to everyone’s great sorrow
didn’t work yesterday and it won’t work tomorrow.
There’s a war in Afghanistan and one in Iraq.
But what’s important is who is in whose sack.
In underground bunkers they’re building nukes in Iran;
in America journalists connect the weiner to the man.
They trot out psychologists and experts to explain
why a man having sex can’t be considered quite sane.
That some strange aberration must have affected his brain
and he must check into rehab to abolish the stain.
This includes the presumption that it all runs one way,
that no woman would ever want some man to stray.
No woman would stalk, seduce, entice, and display
flirt, vamp, invite, and sashay, until the poor dick comes out to play.
Women are always the victims, because they’re from Venus.
Men are from Mars and it’s the fault of the penis.
How should we get energy? Who can figure that out?
Climate change, global warming, what that’s really about?
That’s one of those issues that seems way too complex
but at least we can be clear about who shouldn’t have sex.
Who can fix the economy, correct the dire fiscal mess?
Marital fidelity predicts who will have success.
You wouldn’t let a plumber fix the pipes in your house
if you knew he had been with someone who was not his spouse.
You wouldn’t let a mechanic change the brakes on your car
if you knew with some girl he’d gone a little too far.
You would never let a surgeon cut into your abdomen
unless you were certain he was too pure to sin.
This needs to be solved, this needs a real fix,
we need a new combination, we need a new mix
to save the world from men getting their kicks.
And the news media full of nothing but pricks.
To find salvation, a method that really will work
we go back to the old day of the Ottoman Turk.
With a powerful empire, so rich, wide, and vast,
to run it they needed a special political caste.
Call them castratos, you may call them eunuchs
Either way they were men without working dicks.
That’s what we must do with all our political men
geld them, deball them, leave their crotches like Ken.
When a politician takes his pants off, no one will yell
he’ll be nice, smooth, and round, like a doll from Mattel.
Don’t worry about this new political class
they will still be able to talk out of their ass.
We are already ruled by the confused and the witless
It will be so much better if they also made dickless.
This article appears in July 2011.
