Transitioning into motherhood can be beautiful, filled with cozy afternoon naps and successful nursing sessions, walks in the park and well-executed outings—except when it isn’t, and the baby won’t sleep, or latch, or stop crying, and the shadows seem to lengthen by the hour. In a society in which the “perfect mom” is glorified as ideal and the “flawed mom” is stigmatized, Rani Ban, artist, business owner, and author of This is Terrible This is Wonderful: Dispatches from the Postpartum Universe (Quirk Books), set out on a mission to prove that both versions can exist in harmony. “Isn’t this the best, isn’t it so magical?” Ban recalls being asked during her transition to early motherhood. “To say, no, it’s not, is really hard.”
“I was looking for resources, and it always seemed to be one or the other. I had trouble identifying with any one set of thoughts,” Ban explains of her time during her pregnancy when she set out to familiarize herself with all things maternal. “I was seeking nuance in conversation surrounding motherhood, and I wanted space for both things to be true.”
When editor and fellow mom Alex Arnold approached Ban with the idea of creating a book that would make space for honest and raw post-partum reflection and discussion, Ban was all in. “We started the book chronologically, starting with the first three months and so on, but that felt wrong. It was in contradiction to what we wanted to do.” Making the decision to break the format of chronological time allowed Ban to create her debut book by feeling her way through “places traveled to behind the bedroom door” organically, with a more truthful resonance. “By articulating these experiences this way, other parents behind other bedroom doors might be able to better articulate their own experiences in a way I couldn’t do when I was going through it, for lack of the right language.”
Rewriting the Script of “Perfect” Motherhood
Throughout the pages of the book, Ban challenges the expectations surrounding motherhood, contrasting their edges with a reality in which things don’t always go as rehearsed. From grieving the labor she’d hoped for and feeling “haunted” while breastfeeding, Ban learned to make decisions that honored herself and her daughter over societal expectation. She realized breastfeeding wasn’t the right method for her and chose to bottlefeed, she began telling the authentic version of her emergency C-section with acceptance and love. Ban breaks down the barriers of shame often associated with deviating from the norms. “When experience doesn’t align with expectation, we internalize it. Looking back, I was editing my experiences to friends and family without even realizing I was doing it,” Ban recalls. “By pretending and hiding the truth away, it’s like you’re telling yourself you’re doing something wrong.”
Ban’s recollections brim with illustrations depicting domestic scenes made magical and almost otherworldly as opposed to mundane. By making use of art she declares to be “a little messy and chaotic,” Ban is able to connect with her audience with down-to-earth relatability that feels authentic. An apple tree takes root and grows upon the back of a figure lying on the ground, accompanied by messages proclaiming a newly discovered abundance from within; a figure hoists the world on their back, a small child perched atop with their gaze on the stars above. Ban’s words twist and turn across the pages, her sometimes crooked handwriting dipping in and around the images, leaving the reader with the feeling they’ve just opened a heartfelt letter from a close friend.
Ban seeks to capture the naked truth of human nature through her illustrations, which often depict women in all their saggy-breasted, bare-bottomed glory, unshaven legs and cesarean scars included. “For every real body I draw, maybe I can cancel out one airbrushed and toxic image that we have to face every day.” Ban explains, describing the challenges women face through the media and the popular perception of “bouncing back” shortly after giving birth. “We aren’t just pressured to bounce back, it’s shoved down our throats. After my baby was born, my entire Instagram was meal plans, diets, exercises, before-and-after pictures. It’s absolutely toxic. We hope so much for this baby, and as soon as it’s born, it’s like the world wants us to undo it.”
Learning to Live with Fear
As her story progresses, readers will seem to grow alongside Ban as she maneuvers shifting emotions, chapped nipples, and conversations with her past self on the way to finding her footing in a world filled with beauty. Her insights feel true to natural thought and leave the reader nodding with recognition as she relates her experience fielding questions from strangers inquiring of her reproductive aspirations, or the feeling of “restless longing” to follow her “wildest, truest self” that she comes to accept without self-reproach. Through lived experience and deep-rooted reflection, Ban tugs at the universal cords to motherhood regardless of the phase one may find themself immersed in.
This is Terrible This is Wonderful is a call for courage in a world that sometimes feels impossibly dangerous to bring a child into. “My heart had cracked open, I was so vulnerable with so much love for this new being.” Ban reflects, referring to an encounter with a snake while gardening with her daughter, an event she details in her book. “I had this Buffy the Vampire type drive to protect her that made it difficult for me to enjoy everyday things. I have found such freedom since then in just doing it scared, doing it anyway.” Getting back into the garden is a continuous process. “We have to put ourselves in situations that we know are good for us even if they stretch us. In these moments, I picture myself in the garden. Sure, the snake was there, but we saw a rabbit, and a bumblebee, too. You acknowledge what feels unpleasant, but you do it,” Ban continues, “because not growing a garden at all is a terrible outcome.”
In addition to raising little people and writing and illustrating books, Ban creates prints, stickers, notepads, and greeting cards which can be found in shops worldwide, including McNally Jackson, Portland Art Museum and at locally The Little Art Shop, Ban’s own art supply store which she refers to as “little but mighty” on Main Street in Catskill. “I’ve been surprised by what seems like a renewed desire in the community to make art,” Ban reports, “it’s not always people coming in knowing what they want, it’s people later in life making art for the first time. It’s a beautiful thing to be a part of.”
Ban’s love of art and her desire to share it has become a language for reaching a wider audience. “I’m a shy person, so writing and art is how I connect to the world. Using both these resources together to create this book was really special.” This is Terrible This is Wonderful is available on shelves regionally at Rough Draft in Kingston as well as The Little Art Shop in Catskill.
I believe you don’t even realize you’re in post-pardem depression until you’re out of it. Then you realize how paranoid, delirious, and difficult you’ve been. The wholefirst year of my son’s life I was afraid either I or some evil spirits would kill him In the night. It was joyful to see him alive each morning and dreadful to sit with him on watch like in the military all night. And to top it off, I couldn’t make enough milk to keep him full. That was over the top depressing.