From the moment we’re born, we’re learning to be in relationships with others. We start with our parents and siblings, followed by classmates, teammates, coworkers, and romantic partnerships. Along the way, we meet our best friends, a few lovers, maybe someone who becomes a spouse. Some of these relationships only survive for a reason or a season, while others go the distance and last a lifetime.
The closer you are to someone, the more navigation that’s required to have a healthy relationship. Some people go all in on making relationships work—assuming things like trust and honesty—while others are more hesitant and hold people at arm’s length while sussing them out. There’s no one right way to do relationships. However, we know that our lives are made richer by sharing our experiences with others. Beyond creating more joy and ease in our lives, healthy relationships have additional benefits, such as boosting our immune systems, reducing depression, and improving sleep.
“Our long-term friendships remind us of who we used to be and how far we’ve come,” says Kara Bucci, LCSW, a therapist with Upstate Therapy in Beacon and Kingston. “Our daily exchanges with colleagues offer us consistent support and make our worklife more meaningful, and our connection in the community fills us with purpose and a sense of belonging,” Bucci says. “It is important to consider how we may use the building blocks of our romantic relationships to create depth in these other areas of life.”
We asked Bucci and other Hudson Valley therapists for their tips on how to build and sustain healthy relationships.
Respect
Humans want to feel respected, heard, and understood just as much as we want to surround ourselves with people we respect. “Respect is a key pillar to happy relationships,” says Sarah Betz, LCSW, founder of Meadow Therapy, with locations in Kingston and Accord. Respect allows for open communication, kindness, care, and affection to grow,” Betz explains. “Some ways to show respect are: be kind in your words and tone of voice, listen deeply without waiting to respond, and create shared meaning and language to help you understand your partner’s point of view.”
None of these tips for healthy relationships exist in isolation, and most build on each other. “Respect provides the motivation to be honest and to trust,” John Metzger, LCSW, MA, MFA, New Era Therapeutics in Hudson.
Trust
Some people lead with trust, but for others, it has to be earned. Trust is a critical component of a healthy relationship, regardless of how long it takes to get there. “In order to open up the parts of ourselves that are most intimate, we need to trust that the person we are with can receive us, without judgment or critique,” explains Roni Schnadow, LMFT, a counselor for all stages of life in Rhinebeck.
“When we feel heard, accepted, and celebrated, we then feel it is safe to lower our guard and share more of our true selves,” Schnadow says. “The opposite happens when we feel judged, criticized, and not listened to—that’s when we become defensive and shut down, and in turn, so does our relationship.”
Honesty
Relationships only work if we’re honest with ourselves and others. In healthy relationships, we respect those we’re in partnership with enough to tell our truth and receive theirs. “When you’re honest in a relationship, you present your authentic and genuine self,” explains Sarah Gugluizza, LCSW, founder of Rising Lotus Counseling in Stone Ridge.
“When you’re showing up as your true self, the basis of your relationship is built upon a foundation that has no misconceptions, misthoughts, or judgments,” Gugluizza says.
Clear Communication
Relationships without clear communication don’t stand a chance. Amanda Forste, LMSW at Meadow Therapy in Kingston, encourages her clients to be mindful of their word choice and to use “I statements” to convey their perspective. “As we all know, words can have a big impact, but sometimes what has an even bigger impact—especially in relationships—is using no words at all,” Forest says. “When we don’t communicate clearly with our partners, it can create distance and resentment between us.”
Clear communication is a critical component of all relationships, and these tips for communicating in romantic partnerships also apply to most other relationships, including those with our parents, our children, our employees, and even our neighbors. “Having unspoken expectations or needs that aren’t verbalized sets us up for dissatisfaction,” Forste says.
Active listening
In addition to clear communication, active listening is another essential component of healthy relationships. “Active listening allows for the ability not just to hear what someone is saying, but actually to listen and understand what they are saying,” Gugluizza says. When you’re active listening, you’re focusing on your partner’s perspective and what’s important to them instead of just waiting for it to be your turn to talk.
“Active listening means listening to understand rather than just listening to reply,” Metzger says. “If we listen to not just what people are saying but how they are saying it, then we can understand not just their point of view but how their point of view serves them.” Without active listening, there’s a lot of room for distortion and misunderstanding.
Shared Interests
It’s not realistic to expect your partner (or best friend) to want to do everything you want to do—and healthy relationships also allow for space in the togetherness—but if your partner is into backpacking and other off-grid adventures and you prefer luxury hotels and get your thrills through securing reservations at the hottest new restaurants, it might be hard to sustain a connection longterm.
“While there doesn’t need to be a 100 percent match, I think there needs to be a general shared direction within the relationship,” says Katie Peterson, LCSW, a Hudson Valley-based therapist who sees clients virtually. “I’ve had couples and individuals say they don’t feel ‘on the same page’, especially when it might come to shared interests and day-to-day tasks,” Peterson says, “But I think it’s more important to ask if you’re in the same chapter, or at least in the same book, as you move forward.”
Willingness to Compromise
Even two people with all of the above will have to compromise. “Willingness to compromise with your partner shows effort and resilience,” says Courtney Dunn, LCSW at Meadow Therapy. “Focus on creating a culture of love and respect for one another’s needs, wants, and dreams.”
Dunn warns about competition in relationships and pushing back because you “shouldn’t have to” or simply because you want to win. “Create a culture in your relationship where compromise means loving and respecting your partner enough to meet them halfway, communicating openly and authentically, and caring about their wants and needs,” she says. “Compromise cannot be forced, and when you’re unable to compromise, be truthful about what is going on for you.”
Bucci adds that relational compromise is easier said than done. “As someone who preaches this to my patients in therapy, I still find it to be particularly challenging to make compromises when it feels like a contradiction to my need for autonomy,” Bucci says. “Although it may be difficult to accept, compromise is a part of every healthy relationship.”
These seven components for healthy relationships are a great place to start whether you’re searching for a partner or looking to strengthen a current relationship, and these tips will help you navigate all your relationships, not just romantic partnerships. But there’s one major, overarching concept to keep top of mind: fun.
“Being human is hard enough—let alone being a human connected to another complicated human—so don’t forget that fun is one of the most important things in any relationship,” Peterson says. “Our lives and relationships are usually pretty stressful and challenging, so making sure to infuse fun into your relationship is a way to refill your ‘relationship piggy bank.’”
Peterson recommends incorporating elements of play into your relationships, which could look like learning a new sport together, hitting a local hill for some sledding, or playing rock-paper-scissors to divide household chores. “Keeping your relationship piggy bank filled with laughter and good times helps a lot when the bank inevitably get depleted by life,” Peterson says.
This article appears in February 2024.
